white car theory

i call it the "white car" theory..i noticed it when i got my new white jetta in college...you get a new white car and all of the sudden you realize that everyone in town drives a white car. where did they come from? why didn't you notice all the white cars before? they have always been there. well-because you've never had a white car before and now that you have one, they stand out to you even more than before. the same thing happened when i got pregnant with liam....where did all the pregnant women come from? why are they everywhere i look? once i became one of them, i noticed them everywhere.

is it me, or is everyone on every cover of every magazine i see expecting a baby? every woman i meet these days is expecting or has just had a baby.....

people, including celebrities on magazine covers, have been having babies since the dawn of time...i know this.

but now that i can't get pregnant, it seems like everywhere i go i see babies and more babies...it seems so easy for these women, their carefree and non-eventful pregnancies and 10 minute labor stories...over-hearing people at the park talk about their "accidental" pregnancies as an inconvenience or speed bump in their life plans...hearing women complain in target about their deliveries that took so long...at any other time in my life, these little eavesdropped pieces of information would have gone in one ear and out the other maybe...i might have even chimed in and joined the ranting...but i don't fit into that category now and really never have, i suppose. i almost lost my son with my first pregnancy and eventually lost my daughter with the second. when it comes to pregnancy and babies and deliveries, i know only of fear and drama and now loss. i didn't get to do carefree.

i now have to see other's "white cars" everywhere and try not to covet them and be jealous.

now that even the idea of the "white car" for me is out of my reach, i suddenly see everyone else, everywhere with theirs and it hurts. it is painfully obvious that i am without.