damn!

sorry for the bluntness or the irreverence that might offend some ...my brother and ian and i have this theory, where sometimes, we feel certain words just explain your emotions the best and you can't substitute the pretty word for it because it is not as intense as the power behind the feeling. i know many sweet and tender people read this. some family, some friends. some who don't even know me.

forgive me, but church kicked my ass today.

i am serious. i went in "swinging" at all my hurting and madness for God's silence with me and came out with His Holy Spirit doing a tap dance-stomping number on my heart in the process. i entered the sanctuary alone, already crying after leaving liam screaming and crying for me while i left him in sunday school. i cried through worship because music is the most intimate form of expression for me with God and i still can't get through worship without crying, i can't even sing yet. i just meditate on the words and try and will them into my mind praying that they will find a way from my heart to my mouth.

so. this morning. there's worship. we sit. we pray and then, WHAM, the Word of God was "brought." the message today broke me in a "grab-your-attention-on the edge-of your seat" kind of way and made me weep and sob the entire time. i wrote notes crazy fast through my tears and then i choked back sobs when i needed to and then completely lost it at the end with the worship again. the words of the hymn at the end were speaking to the hurting mess that is my soul. i, for the first time in a while, didn't try and hold it back publicly. i let it all out. and had many sweet friends there to hold my hand and hug me afterwards so i felt safe.

a sweet friend to the right of me who has had a tough week herself, put her arm around me and squeezed me and rubbed my back to comfort me while five minutes later i was doing the same for the friend to the left of me who is in the middle of her own soul's tornado and was as broken and God-smacked as me at many times this morning...like a little assembly line of compassion and comfort from one heart to the next..we were dripping sobbing messes...but in a good way...we were moved. we were broken....i was so drained and felt so full and empty all at the same time. i almost didn't even go this morning because i was by myself and liam was giving me a fit about going. i almost caved in. but i didn't. i went and i was blessed. i was moved and touched and filled. i seriously can only describe it as bluntly as i did before....

the coolest thing about the Holy Spirit is how it can bring words and promises to life...the message might not have touched some like it did me today but it was "blessed" into joyful news for my ears and heart and it awakened my soul to be able hear it and receive it....how amazing is it that it can make you hear and really "hear" a truth that you have known forever and read over and over-make you see it in a new light?...almost like your rear view mirror is being adjusted for you, to be able to look at things better from your current vantage point, mine lately is the view from the ground.

i saw psalm 42 about the deer panting for water in a new light today, described as sometimes, we, the deer, are running not walking..but desperately and anxiously, crazily searching for the water, the comfort, the stream to sustain us in our parched condition... when we are in such a state of distress, drowning in our suffering, where "our tears have been our food day and night" that anxiety and fear and endless searching overtakes us and our eyes get tired looking for comfort in that crazed state because we are so manic and lost. and we lose direction, we lose our North and keep wandering like a mad crazy animal in a daze, but on a ruthless mission.

i related to that deer. i am that deer right now. i am not wandering peacefully, meandering slowly and half-heartedly seeking or quietly panting for a stream of water..i am not even trying to pretend that i am not thirsty...i am running amuck, blindly racing in every which direction, like a deer caught in headlights, confused and screaming loud for all of nature to hear me, i am thirsty and HAVE to find the stream of Life that is oceans big enough to fill my void....NOW, soon, where is it? i cannot find it, i know it is here somewhere...i am THAT deer right now.

i also learned that i have to FIGHT FOR JOY, i love that... the way it was stated....to fight for something means being proactive and not waiting till i FEEL it but fight like hell to find it and get it back and be sustained. the word fight to me says, this is going to hurt. this is not going to be easy. this is going to leave a mark or two and you will have to keep your head in the game to come out as a survivor. no passiveness allowed. or you will be destroyed.

the thing that i heard today, in the midst of all the great things i heard, that probably broke me and touched the most tender part of my aching heart was hearing these words preached aloud...

" i WILL again praise Him...."

almost like an anthem...my anthem. something that the Holy Spirit whispered to me, allowing me to be comforted by the prospect, the promise, the idea that this hurting heart WILL again praise Him, even if that feels unnatural and impossible right now-it's got guts and conviction in it for me....it's like saying to a paralyzed person-you WILL walk again...saying to a grieving spouse- You WILL love again....the Hope that is in those words for me...well, "Praise God the Blood reaches that far" i heard today....far enough to reach me, on the edge, holding on...reaches far enough to cover ALL my anger, bitterness and rage...all my hurt and pain...it reaches that far to us all who will accept IT..even to me, even where i am.