i have days like the past few behind me, where i keep asking myself.."can it be this easy? is this what people said when they told me that a day would come that it won't hurt as much?...am i supposed to be feeling more at this point in time or am i to be this numb?"
maybe it is because liam has been so sick and i have been distracted or that i myself, now too, am sick and just don't feel right. but i have felt guilty for not missing her every second of the day this last week, not thinking about her so insanely much lately like before...
but maybe those days of numbness are buffering a place in my soul for the pain that is coming around the corner, like the pain i woke up with today...the pain that crept in as i thought to myself...."she should be here...she should be here watching her brother dye easter eggs with gram or play ball with grandpa...she should be here to wear her tiny easter dress to church with us on sunday and "hunt" for easter eggs with her brother...she should be here..."
i think all the "firsts" of holidays and traditions will be excruciating for me....today i woke with an emptiness and a longing to have her here in my arms....to have her here around family that is in town, around us as we celebrate Christ's resurrection and the joy that comes with this celebration for those who follow Christ...i miss her so much today.
i did go back and buy those plaid easter shoes this last week. i had to. i wanted to. i don't care what anyone tells me, whether it was right or wrong. whether it is viewed as creepy or not good for my healing process by others, i don't care. i was told once by another mom who lost her child, that whatever helped me get through the hour, not just the day, would be what i needed to do. and if it means buying my dead daughter a pair of easter shoes that i would have had her wear, if that makes me feel closer to her, than i am sure as hell gonna do it. so, i have them. they are sitting on my dresser. so empty of her tiny toes but so full of promise and they make me think of her....that has to be enough for me, on days like this, when i can't hold her in my arms....
7 comments:
They are perfect, and I'm so glad you went back and bought them. How in the world could that be creepy?
those shoes are beautiful...and so is your ability to heal in whatever way makes you feel comfort...
Alyssa, they are beautiful little shoes. Don't feel guilty for one split second...I would have done the same I think. I don't see how anyone could find it creepy.
As for not thinking of her every second...it means you're healing. Tiny bit by tiny bit. She is up in heaven wanting you to do that.
Blessings,
Andi
The shoes are adorable. And if you need to buy a yellow polka dotted bikini for yourself to go along with them, to ride down the street and scream at the top of your lungs, you go right ahead and buy that, too. Seriously. WHATEVER you have to, to keep on the upward climb is what you have to do. I bought a tacky Easter yard stake and stuck it in the ground at Miller Grace's grave, just because I had to. No explaining it. I'm one of "those" people, too. :) Jesus loves us, this I know....
For what it's worth, I did not mean for you to ride the bikini down the street. LOL I meant for you to wear it and ride your bike down the street, if you needed to. Ack. I digress. Just be free to heal any way you want, sister! :)
ya know, i couldn't stop thinking about it, after you mentioned to me that you wanted them, how cute they WOULD look on a little shelf with other little memorable things. i just wasn't sure i should tell you that. so, really, i'm glad you bought them. i really am. HOWEVER, aislyn MIGHT try and steal them. she loved them when she saw them today. :)
I am SOOOOO glad you bought them.
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