freedom!

man, we had a really good share meeting tonight. share is the name of our grief group that we go to that meets once a month. we have only been to two meetings so far since sydney died (i can't believe a month has already passed since her due date.) ironically, the last balloon, that was still up in our house from february 6th, finally fell today. weird, huh. a month exactly. but the share group, it is a big help to be around others that get us. others that have walked in our shoes, some recently, for others it has been years but feels like yesterday to them. it is so relieving to be in a room full of people who don't expect anything from you, nothing you say is wrong, and you don't have to pretend because they don't want to either. we get to talk about our kids proudly and like normal, not like some creepy secret that no one is supposed to bring up. someone can be talking and you see heads nodding in agreement and tears flowing with empathy...i don't know any of these people really, but they understand me and ian right now more than anyone else we know does, except for maybe, at times, my mom and dad, who walked in our grieving parent shoes almost 37 years ago when my first brother was born still. they get it...still, everyone's story is unique to them as is ours and my parent's to themselves and everyone grieves in their own way. these people in this group get that.

they know that some days are ok and others are gonna suck. that some days you make it through with a smile on and other days you feel like crawling back in bed. they GET it. they don't make you feel like you have backslidden, they don't make you feel like you are crazy, they don't ignore the LIFE of your child or see them merely as a concept, they acknowledge that they ARE not were, but ARE a member of your family whether society or our government does or not. (don't get me started on that part) they don't think you are weird if you say, "dead baby" in a sentence and they don't think you need to be committed just because you stayed in your pajamas all day long and cried and ate a lot of cake. they don't think you are walking around with a gun to your head just because you sound sad or depressed-they know that maybe for that day or moment-it just sucks, your child being dead IS depressing. they don't think you are seriously going to beat someone up in the store just because you are angry or have bitter thoughts, they know you are just feeling rage against the loss and the whys. they know you are sad and angry BECAUSE you lost your child. because your family if FOREVER altered and that is something to be damn pissed about, something to be down right sad and depressed about some days. and NO pill or counselor is going to put that baby back in your arms...those resources help for many who are hurting, but it CANNOT be the ultimate bandaid for your pain. these people understand that THIS kind of "depression" is different. this kind of loss cannot be hypnotized away or washed away or cleansed with a bottle of wine or a pill. you still have to face the loss and see your empty arms in the mirror in the morning. and even WITH medicine, it still sucks. you still don't have your child. they are still GONE. these parents get that.

tonight i heard one of the key speakers telling us that just because there are certain stages of grief, don't expect to always go through them in order. the stair step idea or progression of stages is a myth at times or simply "a good idea but not realistic at all." it is not a formula, it is merely a guide map so expect there to be diversions in the road, delays and detours around every corner. no one is really told that, are we? we are just told -here are your stages, good luck. why does this idea of breathing room and "right to move back and forth and change your mind stuff" with grief stages sound so new to me? before it was "these are the stages, one comes after the other and so on and so forth until you are brand new again and have completed the course." what no one tells you is that grieving is a freakin' obstacle course instead with twists and turns so unpredictable and you don't have to complete one to get to the next. you can actually be in more than one at a time or all of them at the same time. and you might visit some more than once. it is not a formulaic outline or a check-list, which would be nice for OCD people like me who could check off anger and move onto the next exciting category like a choose your own adventure book, wouldn't that be nice to feel that productive?...grieving is anything but productive, you can make progress and feel like you have accomplished something only to have it washed away the next morning with a bucket full of new tears and memories.....

gender will play an important role in the grieving process but so does time. sometimes people will skip over a stage and move onto another one, might come back to it, maybe not. some teeter back and forth between stages and some revisit certain stages depending on certain triggers, moods and circumstances like holidays, anniversaries or certain confrontations. i was so FREED to hear that i don't have to please everyone with my progress. i have felt so pressured and bogged down by that, whether with friends or family or even with ian. i don't have to make the mark for you and worry that if i revisit a stage like anger or intense sadness one day that i am going to let you down or make you worry. guess what? that's not for me to worry about. i have myself to worry about right now. one foot in front of the other. i get to be in whatever stage i feel like at the moment and try the best to constructively and Truth-Full-ly steer myself through it with the help of God to get me to the other side of it. it is hard sometimes to hear how proud people are of me for being so strong, so glad that i am doing "better", "we were worried about you there for a second, lyss- but you are better now...thanks..." really? what happens when i have my bad days? are you disappointed? are you worried that i am carrying a bottle of pills around contemplating the end of my days? where is the slack in my rope? i at least get some slack don't i for losing a child and trying to keep on going on? i know encouragement is needed and is nice but i still need the freedom to just be ME. losing your child leads to losing your mind, if temporarily. i am entitled to lose my mind a bit right now. my world does not make sense. my heart is broken as is my spirit but not my will to live. my faith and idea of who God is, is tried and tested and i feel, most times, like i am losing the battle in my head but i have not lost my faith. i have not lost sight of the fact that God is still God.

can you see the difference? can you see what i am saying?

you can be down and out and still be in.

in the land of the living.

you just feel like a stranger most times. you have to adapt to your new "land." it takes time and lots of trying, sometimes failing but still trying.

i was so liberated tonight to think that i don't have to explain my moods to anyone but me and my maker and well- my husband who has to live with me. i don't have to worry about my progress in other people's eyes. i don't have to worry about other's getting me, because honestly, until you bury your own child- you just won't get it. i cannot make you understand the depths of despair i visit at times, the intense physical aching my heart and body feel at times and the places my mind takes me when it feels dark and heavy. that darkness crept in when the hearbeat ran out. it happened when we had to leave the hospital without our baby, when we had to give our child back to some stranger and crawl into our car and drive home without her. the mind cannot comprehend how to make sense of that and you cannot pretend it didn't happen. but i also will not pretend i don't go to the dark places some days just to make other's happy and feel ok about me.

one of the older gentlemen there tonight, a grieving dad, said that we have to teach others and especially the older generation how to truly grieve, openly and honestly. because no one taught them how to. growing up, the stiff upper lip-keep it private-get over it quickly avoidance mentality was the way you dealt with loss when our parents were being raised, when their own parents were growing up. even 37 years later after my mom and dad's own stillbirth loss, the process is different. back then, people didn't grieve openly like we do now. they didn't even see their babies or hold them, or name them or talk about them afterwards. i cannot imagine at ALL the depths of silent pain my own mom must have had to endure with the loss of their firstborn, a son. i lost a brother and we didn't even talk about it until chris and i were much much older because things were different back then. it's what you did. these days- now, we buy books for the siblings and show them pictures and release balloons together and let them meet their sleeping sibling if possible...things are so different. knowing what i know now, i ache for my mom who didn't have the support that i have, the freedom i have to talk and feel what i feel and work through my pain...i can only hope that through my loss, she will be able to finally feel the freedom she should have been allowed, years ago, to feel with her own loss and find some healing in that.

just as an example really of how times have changed and how new this is for me, this is actually the first time i have really ever said the words aloud and written them down... "my first brother", my other brother. i lost a brother. i have one brother here on earth and one in heaven. i mean, chris- have we really ever acknowledged that and grieved the fact that we lost a brother, we could have been 3 instead of 2? have you and i ever really looked at it this way? sadly, we haven't. times were different. it makes me want to memorialize the brother i didn't get to know in a whole new way now that i have lost my daughter too...i get to meet my other brother when i get to heaven? wow. my daughter is with my brother in heaven, the idea that is just NOW coming to me is breaking my heart with joy to think about that for the first time.....

i know it's hard with raw honesty but that is where the growth comes from. that is where the progress is made. that is where you have to navigate from to get back to your new normal. if your world is rocked, you are going to see the world entirely in a new way, from a different perspective. and you can't go back to just pretending or sweeping things under the rug. at least that is not how ian and i choose to deal with our loss. i know many struggle with the grief process. but for once, from hearing validation tonight and being surrounded by so much support, i know i don't have to worry about my report card from anyone any longer.