loss.

ian saw a girl scout troop out in front of a store last week and it hit him, "i will never get to sell girl scout cookies with my daughter now."

we caught the tail end of a commerical for a hardware store where the dad and his daughter were building a dollhouse together and it crushed me, for my own reasons but mostly for ian. i wanted ian and sydney to have that same experience as my dad and i did when i was little. i even saved my own doll house for my future little girl if i ever had one....i was so excited last time i was home to see it and think she would be playing with it at gram's house one day...

all my friends are picking out easter dresses for their little girls...i couldn't wait for that fun part of having a little girl. i even have an easter dress that i picked out last year before i even knew she was a girl, it was a "just in case" dress and i was so thrilled when we found out it was a girl....she would have worn it this next weekend....i couldn't bring myself to get rid of it. ian even loved it and let me keep it when i brought it home, let me keep it even though we didn't know the sex of the baby yet. i think he knew how excited i was with the idea of maybe getting to buy dresses finally. deep down i think he was tickled with the idea of a little girl in sweet dresses, tutu's and hair bows running into his arms...

i saw a little girl and her dad eating dinner together last night at a restaurant, just the two of them...it made me long for that for ian. it reminded me once again of what he has lost as a daddy...

my ian, man- he would have been a truly wonderful "girl daddy" to sydney...he is amazing with his son, he loves him terribly and passionately and loves having a son and will teach liam so much about being a man but i also know he has it in him to be the most gentle, loving and amazing girl daddy. i know what a little girl growing up needs from her daddy because i was a little girl once and ian would have been able to give that and more to his daughter. so protective and yet so gentle and unconditional...he would have empowered her and battled for her and guarded her heart with his own....in the moments when i am able to step out of my own ideas of what i have lost in losing a daughter, i am crushed and devastated to think about what my husband has lost in his own ideas and expectations. it hurts me that i lost my little girl but it hurts just as much to think that i couldn't give ian his little girl that he has always wanted...

ian has told me many times that he always wanted a sister, in addition to his brother of course...and wanted that as well for liam...a sister to love and protect. i absolutely adored the combination that me and my brother i had growing up...i loved having a little brother and i would like to believe he loved having a big sister...it was a very special bond and still is. he is my blood and i am his. we are connected like no other two people we know, because we have our unique bond of sibling-ness, in that we came from the same love that made us, we grew up in the same house with the same experiences of family and life...we learned about life together, the ups and downs and shared traditions and history and a family tree. i wanted that for our liam. and for our sydney.

if it is truly our heart's desire to have had a little boy and a little girl running through our home through the years, then is that still a possibility for us? will it ever happen for us again? or are we to remind ourselves that it is His will not our own and just let go of our dreams....how does this work? why do some people get to have one of each, get to have 4 or 5 and others like us have to be limited. why does the idea of liam being an only child scare the hell out of me? it makes me lonely for him. why doesn't ian, who would be an amazing father to a little girl, not get that chance...while so many men piss their own chances of a great relationship with their own daughters away..just like that? life isn't fair. i don't get it. but i am not suppose to. i know. but i can still ask questions and lament on what could have been....even from a dumb home depot commercial or a box of thin mints...