grief comes in all sizes..

grief is grief no matter what form it takes. it is what it is.

death of a child, a loved one, a spouse, a dream, death of a marriage or relationship, even a friendship...death of expectations of a life lived out differently than you had hoped...it is the loss of something; it is something that was and is no more.

i sat on the floor at my best friend's house the other day...i had had a pretty hard "sydney day"...and i was so heavy with thoughts and emotions and aching...i just missed her...i was also grieving for a family whom i didn't even know, but i knew what they were getting ready to lose, i grieved their daughter. i grieved my daughter, her life and her death...but then God showed me something else....i started grieving something else...

i watched as my friend's 10 month old crawled about in a way i hadn't seen before...his new fast as lightning crawling skills and getting around took me aback, i hadn't really seen him in action like this until now...bits here and there, but never like this.. i watched as he scurried about, all over the floor, chasing after the big kids, crawling quickly through the beams of sunshine that were cast through the window...he was laughing and engaging with all around him...it was truly the first time i had seen this child so full of joy, full of life and grinning from ear to ear. i know this isn't the first time for him or his mommy, but for me it was witnessing the first moments of him being "just a kid" in my eyes....no scratching, no crying, no itching like crazy...it made me smile, so happy to see him smiling and giggling and so joyful...."just being a kid..." i could not stop smiling and laughing along with him.

and if you know this sweet boy and his story, then you know he is not just a kid....he is a medical mystery, a mystery to his doctors, a puzzle as to why his blood levels are so off the map with his allergies, he is a constant work in progress, good days with minimal redness, bad ones with severe outbreaks...i have watched my friend as she protects her son from everything and anything this last year...he has to wear certain fabrics, he can only be washed in certain bath water, his mother has withered away herself avoiding most foods to keep him from having reactions to so many foods, he has to be carefully safety-pinned down to his sheets with special mittens (it may sound cruel, but trust me, the alternative is a lot more harmful in his case) at night to sleep so he will not scratch himself into a bloody mess which leaves open sores and gets infected... his clothes and sheets are bloody in the morning if he is not protected this way, his tiny little hands are worn and red and always itching...his face and bald head are full of red scratches and rash instead of baby soft skin, his scratching leaves constant inflamed open sores and his changing time involves a 20 minute lotion/cream/medicine rub down session each time of like a dozen creams that is as normal as anything for his parents now...this child is on more medicines than any baby should have to be on...i know it kills my friend each time she has to get another med added to the list..

that day i watched as this sweet little boy, whom liam calls his brother, was so grown up all of the sudden...i have watched him being tested and tested over and over again, i have sat with my friend as she cries and vents her frustration over his issues and just wanting him to be "normal" and healed...we have prayed for healing, she has researched up and down and all around advocating for her sweet boy...she cries as she pins him at night, wishing he could sleep peacefully without the jail-like sentence he has to get in his crib each night, she worries over leaving him places or with people who won't know what to do with him or how to take care of him the way he needs....she has dealt with this for 10 months...

i realized yesterday that my friend grieves. she may not see it this way. she may even get mad at me for putting it this way. but she grieves. she grieves the infancy that was lost, the precious time that was taken from her and her baby and how it was replaced with watching her son suffer, her constant worry and anxiety, thousands of dollars in medicine and co-pays, and what she expected the first year of his life to be like...she has a 2 yr old daughter, she knows what the first year is like with a baby....she has not been able to enjoy her son like she should have these past 10 months, she instead has had to worry and protect and be on guard and be a 24-7 nurse to him instead....she would gladly sacrifice and do anything for her children, i know this about her...but i realized that even though she has her son here on earth with her...she has still lost something this year.. a year she can't get back...

this last week was the first time she actually got to take a perfect clear picture of her son and daughter together like she has always dreamed...and people, did i mention she is a photographer? pictures are her life....she had thousands of her daughter in her first year, capturing every little thing...with her son, his outbreaks and face have kept her from it like she wished....

she will be the first to say "it's not that bad, others have it so much worse, even you, lyss, have had to deal with so much more losing sydney. i shouldn't complain"...but that's the thing...everyone has their own hell to deal with. mine looks different than her's, but that shouldn't diminish the fact that her own hell this past year has been trying, costly and wearing on her spirit...i see that she did lose something in a way...i recognize that, i validate that for her.

i long for a day when her son will be healed...i pray for it, i ache for it for her and with her...i see that she has lost something, maybe not in the same way as i have....but loss is loss and it's her own kind of loss. it is something you can't get back....i am sorry for your loss my friend...i love you...and i am here riding through your own crazy rollercoaster year with you and wait for answers from the doctors with you and pray discernment and wisdom for them and patience for you and healing for him ....i love you, i love you guys...i love my bald little red faced wonder too!