Monday, April 14, 2008
we were getting ready for dinner tonight. liam and ian had been playing outside and smelled sweaty and liam was kicking like he does, antsy and squirmy while i am trying to get him in his car seat....he kicked like a boy, smelled stinky like a boy...grinned his dirty little smile like a boy and then slapped me on the head silly-like like a boy.....and it rushed over me....i wanted my frilly little sweet smelling little girl too, with kisses and sweetness....i love my son...i love everything about him, tantrums, dirt and sweaty toes and all...i do. but there was something so tangible and obvious about how different we both were...he and i...he was rough and playful and i missed the simple sweetness in a little girl that i was to have....i wanted a little girl to relate to and even out the gross scale of boy smells and sounds and such....i love my boys, i do...but sometimes you just want something familiar. something about putting my sweaty sweet little boy in the car tonight made me miss my girl and my dreams of her again so terribly....
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You know my kids..there is my sweaty boy W, who doesnt sweat so much now that he has a girlfriend and wears oh so nice fragrances to impress. Then there is my J girl who really never has sweated much and too is at the stage where she likes to wear the "designer" fragrances. But please don't think me wierd, but it is such a comfort to me that I can take a dirty article of clothing, put it to my nose and breathe it in, or hug them and get that familiar whiff of them. You know the indiviual smells of your children by heart. The true smell of your children, fragrances aside.
I know you know Liams smell by heart too. My heart truly aches that you can't pick up something that Sydney was wearing and simply smell her. I hurt so very deeply that you can't just pick her up physically. It is a mom thing for sure, to know the smells of you cildren. I know you miss it. I know you miss her. There are no words for me to say.
But... you will smell her when you smell a random flower, cause I know you will think of her. You will smell her when a crisp, fresh breeze rushes by you, and you get this little "rush", then too, will you think of her. It will not stop there, so many smells will remind you of her. ..that is Gods way of sharing a bit of her with you. So just breathe. Sydney will come to you.
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