rollercoaster hell

so, i literally FA-REAKED out this morning...hormones, emotions, nerves over ian's job stuff, stress over planning a memorial service for our little girl, little sleep, dealing with a 3yr old, dirty house...all this led up to me getting out her footprints to have amy's dad scan for me for her service program and i put the actual one up to my foot and FA-LIPPED out....
heart racing, tears falling, head pounding, regret, regret, regret forming and taking over....can't breathe, can't breathe. liam stop crying at me, i can't concentrate, i can't hear anything but my regret in my head. the picture of her actual print looked so much bigger than the one of my foot. i immdeiately thought, he got it wrong, the guy at the tattoo place totally screwed up my baby girl's foot and now it is ruined forever. i layed it next to the footprint, my foot aligned right with it...big difference...anger is rising, fuming mad...i wanted, DEMANDED, that my tattoo be the actual size of her print...i wanted it exactly the same...and it was wrong...something had happened and it was way off....
i went into another room, but liam followed and kept petting my arm telling me that it was ok and staying by my side...i am sure i will scar him for the rest of his life with my emotional meltdowns, but he was so sweet, not scared at all, just very gentle and calm. being jesus for me. i couldn't stop crying and called amy...asked her to help calm me down. i didn't want to bother ian with this because of his already hectic and stressful day with work...so amy got my meltdown instead....she calmed me, told me sweet encouraging words and told me to come over and bring the print and she would look at...she reminded me that this should not steal my joy. told satan to flee from me, begged me not to let this steal my joy from earlier...i meditated on that all the way to her house..don't steal my joy, you stinkin' thief, don't you take it..it is mine, jesus gave it to me....

i got there and sat down in her living room like a bag of mess, a lump of wet tearful goo....she looked at the print..and then my foot....i knew she was worried a bit, she got quiet and then saw me arch my foot...do that again, she said. very soon she realized the problem....when i stretched out my foot, it was the actual size....that is how he did the tattooing, with my foot arched...but when it curls up flat like when i look at it from my view it looks smaller....

ok-don't you dare tell me, "duh?"..."hello, alyssa, isn't that obvious?" no, not to me, i freaked out and got worried and wondered how i was going to fix it and was crushed....until i realized what amy pointed out and then i felt like a fool...she reminded me that even if a day later i will feel silly for it, at the moment, when i saw it, when i called, when i freaked out-it was not silly, it was very important and it did matter....what a great friend i have, for not brushing me off, for validating my freak out and calming my spirit....and she then fed me and my child lunch and i left her home feeling calmer and collected and at peace....what a damn morning....

goodness....

rollercoaster up, rollercoaster down. rollercoaster smile, rollercoaster frown. rollercoaster crazy, rollercoaster at ease...rollercoaster hell, rollercoaster peace.