addicted.

i recently heard this said by a grieving parent....."i actually feel like a recovering alcoholic except my addiction is my daughter..."

this really stopped me in my tracks and hit me in the face...that is exactly what it feels like...you don't meet a recovering addict of anything and expect them to have solved their issues and fixed their addictions overnight...you know how hard it must be for them each day to get up and get through a day without giving into temptations...you might expect them to probably or maybe fall of the wagon a time or two because you understand this is something they will ALWAYS deal with and you give them grace maybe because you know how hard it must be to quit cold turkey and change your ways just like that...it doesn't go away overnight...it will be their "thorn in their side" on this earth for the rest of their days...even 5-10 years later, it is still there...in a drink, a casino or a drug...it is all around..

for me, it might be in every little baby i see, every pregnant woman i encounter, every cute little girl outfit i see in the store, holidays, missing milestones, and even parenting our son each day...syd would have been 5 months old on wednesday, two days ago...i went through the entire day fighting not to lose it or have my pain take over my day and lead me to act one way or another, to not collapse on the floor and scream out for her...i know what liam was like at 5 months..i know what he was doing and how he looked...with sydney, i didn't get that..

you have compassion for addicts because you know how awfully hard it must be to be around others who still "have" this addiction (other babies for us grieving parents) and not give in around them...you feel empathy for the raging battle in their heads and souls as they war against this addiction day to day...it becomes about making a choice but you have to get up every day and make that choice over and over and over again....one choice one day to "do better" doesn't cover the rest of the week, each day is a choice to be made...just like with your faith, it's the same thing.

so, to hear this quote from a parent who has walked in our shoes, it totally fit and made sense to me....dark as it may be, i loved the analogy...

i do have an addiction. i do battle it every day. not to belittle others with severe and life or death addictions because i know these are on a different level but i know this kind of addiction can also take your life if you let...either your soul dies or you yourself, through depression, might take your own life....losing a child is something you get up each morning with and start your day....this friend or that friend or any other random person wakes up and wonders how fast they can get their coffee or what they might wear to work that day....we, who have lost our children, wake up to ..."oh shit, oh yeh, this is my life, our girl is not here, another day...another day to remember i am without her...that she is gone, God grant me the serenity and grace to get through this day...without you i can't make it...." that is my morning most mornings, that is what i wake up to, eyes open and my battle with my addiction begins before i even set foot outside of my bed...and i wouldn't be surprised to hear of other grief-filled moms and dads who wake up the same way....

i appreciated the analogy, i appreciated hearing another parent talk about the deep ongoing battle it is to stay hopeful and joyful and not collapse each day and give in to fear or anger...to hear another parent say, "others don't get us, other's don't understand our world right now, we have lost friends over this and it has become a daily battle to fight..." i hear this and i feel like someone is patting my back saying, "see, i get it, i get where you are at...i am there too..." i hate that our grief group, which started a year ago this time with 3 people, is now up to at least 16 families....i hate that when it comes to "numbers" as the baptists like to gloat and stress about, our "number growth" just means more families are hurting, more are having to join the club and come to our "addiction" meetings and talk about it....but what i am thankful for is having a place to do so....to hear another mother talk about how people don't like to look at pictures of her daughter because she is "dead" and it hurts to not share her child proudly like other's do with their brag books of their kids who breathe here on earth, to hear another father admit about holes in the wall, getting angry at co-workers and friends who dismiss his daughter's existence, and fighting for his marriage on this road of grief is like listening to our own thoughts and someone is echoing them....i am thankful for compassion and empathy and that addicted parents, those of us who will be forever addicted to our angel babies, have a place to meet and nod heads and share kleenex and cuss and laugh and talk about what works best to clean headstones and where to get the best urn...i mean, this is our world now...our crazy, jacked-up world, that each of us addicted parents who enter those doors each month, sit down and are met with freedom and grace to share our stories of our addictions.....