can't decide what to title this....

it takes me forever to make decisions.
i am the last to order food at the table while dining out, and then i make everyone wait anyway.
i can't decide what to make for dinner so i put it off to the last minute.
i can't decide what shoes to wear so i enlist my husband (used to be my brother while growing up) to help me while i try on different pairs.
i can't decide which ice cream to get so i stare at the counter and let others go ahead of me.
i can't decide what flower or color i like best because i like so many different kinds.
i can't decide how to decorate my house because i like so many styles so our house looks like a flea market.
i can't decide which color to paint my toes so i paint each toe a different shade and then pick and start over.
i can't decide on which wine i should get at the store, so i get both.
i can't decide what on what to make my guests (when we have them, been a while) for desert, so i make a little a bit of everything.
i can't make a decision to save my life. i don't know why it is so hard. why i think such a decision over ice cream or a color tint will massively affect or change my life, i don't know...what could possibly happen if i order the wrong entree at dinner?...regret...i am so scared of regret, even when it comes to making decisions as little as these.

so, i find it darkly funny that i am in charge of planning and making decisions for our daughter's memorial. i am scared that ian might commit me or kick me out of the house since i have every item from target and hobby lobby vomited on our kitchen counter...i want so very much to have the ideas in my head come out in the forms of what i want them...flowers, music, cards, etc. i just get so dang overwhelmed with making decisions and then i get so dang overwhelmed with sadness at what and why i am having to do this at all and i give up, eat some chocolate and walk away from it....

i decided i am going to take a break from it today and "rest" and pray about it and ask God to help me make the decisions that matter and throw the rest of the "fluff" out...i want this to be a beautiful tribute and honor for our daughter and i, loving design and color and textures and fabric and paper and ribbon and being a girl...want to make it precious and wonderful...really feels like the only thing i get to do for her...i don't get to throw her birthday parties or sleepovers or plan a wedding with her...this is the one "party" i get to plan for her and she isn't even going to be there....so, i better get my planning hat on and suck it up and be the decision master because this is not ordering dinner at chilis or painting my toenails...this is my daughter's memory that we are celebrating and i want to make every moment count.....