sydney's grace...

the service was beautiful. both our parents were able to come and that was very special. i know many could not make it and many others tried and couldn't...that's ok. thank you for the many prayers and flowers. i hardly have had any time to reflect on it. it has been a really hard couple days since then and we are still processing what took place....ian was able to show his amazing project he had worked on for weeks, his precious sydney video he made. it was beautiful and i am so proud of him for what he did and how it turned out. the weekend came and went as did mother's day and company has left and my house is in disarray and somehow she feels further away to me, to both of us, than ever before....i know closure comes sometimes in many forms and for a memorial to provide any validation or sealing on the last 5 months was in the cards....i know we needed to do it and i am so very glad we did, very relieved....i longed to be a proud momma and show her off to family and friends even if it meant with a blankey-covered urn and flowers and video...i wanted her validated and i needed to show "proof" of her existence and purpose-full little life. i will write more later on her service and my reflections from the weekend. amy took many great pictures that i will treasure and share when she is done with them....but for now, somehow i feel empty.....my arms ache and i don't mean to complain, bitch or whine....but i feel like i let her go, somewhere...and i can't find her...