eternity...

so, i have had a weird/enlightening evening/morning and i feel lighter...for now, at least. i started reading the book, Heaven, (by Randy Alcorn) lent to us by our pastor/friend...i told him i wanted to learn more about heaven and needed help understanding in "my speak" the verses in the bible relating to heaven. these verses are truth and i hold them most high but i needed help with "what that looks like"...and i started reading last night....i got past a couple pages and realized something pretty heavy, very profound for me and my future walk with this grief....

i realized that even though we lost our daughter, sydney could never have been created or formed at all, but she was. God saw to it that she was his creation, made perfect and he breathed life into her...for us...i realized after reading the first chapter or two, that i was reminded of how heaven will be the New Earth, heaven on earth, not just the "unknown so don't think about it bc you don't know" place....and the perspective of this life here was taken down in my mind to a grain of rice in relation to the eternity that i will have my Lord....i was instantly comforted with the fact that not only will i spend my forever with Jesus but my loved ones who chose him as well...and our precious sydney. the idea of spending eternity with our daughter made me come alive and get excited that eternity is a lot longer (yeh, i know-duh) than the temporary home here on earth.

i would rather spend eternity with my daughter, even if it means separation now, than never have her here at all. she lived and she died but she lives forever in Christ and so do i and that means that when i go Home, i will join her...instead of mourning 70-80 years here without her, i was forced to realize that eternity with her is even more a gift, one i cannot even fathom...

if her days were ordained by God to be what they were...and they are. then i would rather have loved her and lost her and get to spend forever with her, than to never have had her at all....or to have a child who doesn't choose Christ in their lifetime and be seperated forever eternally....i thought of it, in a way, as a gift....it still hurts to think of this life without her but to think of eternity with that little one, both of us talking with Jesus and worshipping Him together...our whole family...well, that is enough to get me through today. that is enough to get me through this lifetime without her...i pray, that is enough.