appropriate reaction?

we parked the car and headed towards the big double doors of the hospital. "are we here to get sydney, momma?" liam asks me. i tell him no and he tells me i am wrong, that she is here and we are coming to get her, that he was here with grandpa and walked in the halls and sydney is inside...i start shaking and try to control my tears and my heartbreak as i tell him once again that sydney was here but she died and is in heaven with jesus now. he tells me how he remembers coming to see me here at the big hospital and how he played with grandpa bruce. he tells me to just go inside and get sydney...like it's that easy. oh, how i wish it was. we enter the building and the smell, that smell...that sterile hospital smell that takes me back to that day, those same doors we walked into today were the same doors we walked out of without her days after that awful day....the hallways that led back to medical records were the same hallways i walked with ian, back and forth, breaking free from ICU when i could even just for a 10 minute walk, schlumping my way up corriodors in a painful haze in my robe and slippers, medical bracelet and stitches...but no baby....it was more than i thought i could handle. had i not had liam with me i would have probably fallen into the chapel on the way in....but with a 3yr old that was not an option...stay on schedule, get in and get out.

i sign my name, wait for my papers. my papers for my dead daughter. the lady next to me waits with her pink-blanket-covered-newborn in her carrier...i have my 3yr old bouncing off the walls and jumping off chairs (way to go momma with the lollipops) and i sit and wait. don't look at the baby, don't look at her...but liam starts to and wants to see her and wants to know where our baby is.....damn, seriously? again, are we doing this again? just before i lose it in public, they call my name. here are your papers, have a nice day. i walk out the door with my papers, the lady with her daughter. it couldn't have been more painfully ironic and unfair....liam runs into the sunshine towards the doors and i see suddenly as i carry my daughter's records about her stillbirth delivery and all that happened that day are just pieces of paper...not her, i could be walking with both my kids, but one runs like a wild chicken towards the open daylight and the other is just on paper, the only proof is on paper...

once i get in the car, i open to read all that i shouldn't...yet i want to see it...how strange. how painfully familiar and awkward to see that day, that awful day, documented on paper so scientifically....

...... arrive at triage, check vitals, wait for doctor, hook up to monitors

(doctor notes) 10:30 "tell patient that baby has no heart rate, appropriate reaction"

APPROPRIATE REACTION? what the hell does that mean? how awkward put on paper like that, they must not have had room to write, "patient wailing and writhing and screaming and hitting husband in the chest, yelling loudly, crying like an animal.."

Fetal Assessment: Baseline FHR: none
Accelerations: Absent
Fetal Movement: Absent

It's like she never existed. It's like i got to the hospital and she was just, no more.

we will take our records, from both liam's delivery and sydney's delivery, in two weeks to meet with another specialist to have our case "dr.housed" if we can....see what our options are, what we can expect, if we can "expect" again, get answers and seek more peace of mind...not sure what it will bring but i think it will help to talk to yet another doc and see what we are up against...pray, pray for that day...june 13th...it will be hard but we want to move forward and see what the future holds...