restlessNEST.

i have this need to change things when i get restless. all the time. been like that since i was little.

i rearrange rooms and furniture constantly, i like to redecorate with new textiles and colors when possible.

i change out purses and bags every other week for a different one.

i will use a shampoo a couple times and then FEEL the need to try a new one for a change.

i even change writing styles in my handwriting from time to time, or even in mid sentence or while writing my name.

i do not know where the need to not be still in anything comes from or the need to change things up when i get restless comes from either other than the obvious fact that our flesh has this unending selfish need to always be satisfied and filled.

if something makes me feel uncomfortable on tv, i just change the channel.

if a book i am reading doesn't pull me in on the first chapter or maybe even the first page, it's lost a reader.

i changed liam's room once again this week and it is so great. so much more room, little play centers and it really is such a little retreat. you can sit on his bed now and lay back and look out the window and search the sky for contrails, planes, clouds and rainbows. you can see all our climbing vines on our deck and listen to the windchimes blow in the mountain air. it is my favorite spot in the house right now. it is so relaxing. liam and i listen to ottmar liebert and sit on his bed and talk or lay on our tummies on the floor and draw or read.....i change things in order to create moments and spaces like this in our home where i can feel safe or protected or sheltered i suppose, maybe even create "new" to mask the old that matched the hurting time. i like to make things new again with style like that and not always forget the old but challenge my mind with new spacial plans and ideas that might create a new atmosphere or vibe with just moving things around with no cost involved.

i have this old cotton nightgown my grandma reba gave me when i was around 13. it has been washed so many times that it is softer than soft. since i was around 13, whenever i get sick, i mean really sick--like flu, stuck in bed for a week sick, i put that nightgown on and i feel safe...i feel comfy and sheltered. yes, it is covered in bunnies and comes to my knees now, but it brings me comfort and familiar peace no matter how juvenile it may appear.

i have my old 31 year old baby blanket that has stayed with me through my childhood years and teenager years and college years and moving away from home years and getting married years....one sniff of that blanket or rub against my cheek and it settles me and calms me a bit like no other....i don't sleep with it like liam sleeps with his snugger but it is under my pillow most of the time for a sense of peace, a just in case and a familiarity that it brings me with one touch or smell...

i have this blue long sleeved long -john type shirt that used to be ian's...i highjacked it from him when we were first married and wore it through many sicknesses, hospital visits and stays, surgeries and both of my pregnancies. whenever i feel sad or down, i can put that old big comfy shirt on and it covers me with a warmth that surpasses the weight of it's fabric.

i read somewhere that when kids are afraid of storms with thunder and lighting in the middle of the night, coming to your bedside in fear...we tell them it will be ok, don't worry, your are safe, God will keep you safe...they hear you, they hear all that talk but all they really want at the moment is a pair of arms...arms to hold them tight...something tangible to hold them through the scary part of the storm that shakes and jolts them from their sleep.....

that's all i want right now. i wish the Holy Spirit had arms so i could ACTUALLY feel God's arms around me.

all the rearranging of furniture and restyling can't hold a candle to what kind of peace that could bring me right now.