king david was there once...

there is so much pressure (not sure from where but suppose most is self inflicted) for me to be "on" so many days...there is so much pressure, as i look out at so many other mom's who have walked this journey with their little ones while sharing it through their blogs and their inspiring stories to stay strong and keep my head up and not disappoint or become "whine-full" in my writing or too dark in my bad days. i haven't posted in a while because most of the things swimming in my head are not popular opinion, they are not uplifting and encouraging or full of hope. they are confusing, they are questions, they are doubts and for some reason...fear set in and told me to just keep it all to myself because no one would understand, no one would want to hear me "whine" or scream at God or wrestle with Him about my faith. we had her service and there should be closure and we should be done. i really think that is how some might feel about this whole thing....but you know what? her service and the days following have been more soul crushing and confusing and have reopened fresh wounds and brought us back to a place that we were at the day we lost her. 6 months seems like one day has passed for us while the rest of the world has moved by in half a years time....ian is coming to terms finally with how he feels and how his daughter has changed him...our marriage has taken a beating as we have taken to two different corners most days in our anger or sadness, either to give the other one space or simply for personal safety...our friendships with others have morphed and changed with time, some good, others not so good....our future family planning is so uncertain and weighs on us like a ticking clock at the same time we wear this cloak of grief still for the daughter we miss so badly and wanted in our family...

i wish so many days i could honor our daughter's memory with the sustaining grace i see in some of my blog-mom-friends that continue to write with joy, wrestle with peace but gracefully always seem controlled about it...but most days lately, i feel all i have to give is my broken heart and sadness and out of control mind..not much honor in that...i feel like i am not there yet to have those days out number the ones i currently fight. i feel like in the past few weeks my control level of thoughts and emotions have been erratic and painful...and very isolating. i don't feel social and if i try, i wear my sadness as obvious as the old doors tee shirt i put on my back today....i try to hide the pain in my eyes, hold back the tears as i hear others talk about their infants and pregnancies but i usually can't keep that deep hurt down in my gut long enough before it erupts like a pain-FULL volcano all over the place and people then have to "tend" to the aftermath or politely ignore it. there is also an imaginary line in the "christian" sand in which one cannot dare cross or offend with such action or else they will surely will be shunned....i am afraid constantly to cross that line or have others see me standing or even collapsed on the other side of it in doubt and anger at my God...questioning the purpose of prayer and suffering, doubting God's goodness and provision and wondering why i believe what i believe and screaming at injustices i see or feel....i never could relate to king david in the psalms like that before, but now i do. he was there once, in the season of pain and despair. many times in fact he visited there. i see so much of my heart and mind echoing his in each passage....i feel like screaming why do we pray at all, when God just does what he wants to anyway? how do we trust an unchanging God when all is always changing around us at every turn? why do some who believe and don't compromise suffer while those who make bad choices get the "riches" and blessings? why do i put my faith is something or someone who tells me to just sit still and wait for the ending....how long do i sing this song?

faith is messy and complicated to begin with...tragedy and suffering only add layers of more messiness and uncertainty to the puzzle and there are days when i know the picture on the front of the box shows me that the bigger picture with all the pieces put together will be look like "this" or "that"....but with the season i am in right now, i feel like all the pieces are scattered about, under the table, hidden down in the arms of the couch, some are even missing or gone. and i can't seem to trust the box's cover as proof enough..i can't stand the idea of incomplete...an incomplete picture or puzzle...an incomplete family...so many questions. swimming in my head.....i cry out for peace and stillness and answers but all i get is noise and painful memories crowding my brain....