Big Brother....

Liam told me last night that he was getting a sister.....I felt like screaming at him, "Don't you remember, we told you this already...your sister is in heaven....Don't you remember at all?..." I wish I had his 3yr old mind and memory and ability to forget right now.

I wish I could still make him a big brother.

Laying with him at bedtime is the hardest right now, I think. That is when we would talk to Sydney, pray for Jesus to watch over her until she was with us. Liam would rub my belly and give his sister zerberts, in which she would move side to side in my belly, almost trying to avoid her big brother's silliness already....It is in this stillness at night with Liam, that I lay there with no baby inside to pray for, no baby to talk to and no little sister to wait for....It is at night like this when I wish I could go back in time and appreciate those moments more, know that they wouldn't last much longer....freeze them in my mind.

Risen Christ, give me peace. My mind is racing. My heart aches.