REMEMBERing Her...

Oh, my Lord. Hold me close. My tears feel as if they won't stop. Lucky for me, Liam is down for a nap and doesn't have to see me hurting like this. I have seen too many blogs where I see mother's that knew they were going to lose their babies after delivery, whether because of a birth defect or disease, they seemed so prepared for what was coming, the loss, equipped with strength and faith and had time to plan things out and make their time with their child special and memorable. We didn't have that preparation. We went into the hospital that morning, never expecting what we would hear. We were taken by surprise and blown away that this was our reality all of the sudden. I am so plagued with regret now. I am so scared of forgetting today. Forgetting what my baby girl looked like, what little time I had with her, how awkward and unprepared we were to see her body like that, so still..so cold. We never imagined an arrival like that. I wish I had memorized all her little features and held her more. I wish I had bathed her or put something of our choosing on her, I wish I had let Amy take pictures of her, with us, with my family...I wish now that we should have let Liam see his sister, to know that was real, but we were so protective of his little mind....I wish we had planned a service immediately so I could have had people there to see her, to know that she was real, that she was almost 4 pounds, not just a tiny fetus or tissue...I wish that I had been prepared for this, to have made the time with her more sacred and less rushed and awkward...I want to show her to everyone and if Ian weren't so protective of the few pictures we do have of her, I would gladly share them with all of you..But he feels they are sacred and he is still painfully holding on to them closely. Not ready to share yet, I guess. Maybe not ever. I want to respect him with that. And so I do.

Her Daddy and I held her so closely. We prayed over her, we sang to her, we held her, I rocked her, I held her tiny fingers in mine, I bathed her little body with my unending tears but it is still not enough. I had no idea what to do, how to handle the situation then, the immense hurting I felt, the utter disappointment and heartache that came with her delivery. Then I didn't know what I was to do. Now, I know I wanted to celebrate her. I don't like that her arrival/ "Homecoming" was marked with so much sadness and tears and darkness. There were no flowers. None. The only flowers I received were from my sweet husband who noticed by our last day that I had not received any flowers, flowers to celebrate her or to cheer me up. What are people to do though? Send a funeral spray? I don't think Cookie Bouquet has an "I'm Sorry your Baby died" arrangement. I am sure no one knew what to say, didn't want to be awkward or make us feel uncomfortable. But her arrival came with no flowers. So Ian went downstairs and got me pink roses on the morning we were to be released. No balloons, no visitors. I was sick to death, stuck to machines in ICU, drugged out of my mind on magnesium and morphine, being pumped with 14 bags of stranger's blood to help me live and couldn't have visitors. I know this made a huge difference but still I feel like her whole birth came and went without any notice, we were so shocked and out of our minds that we just survived through the weekend on whatever energy we could muster up.

We decided on cremation and I honestly feel like we made the right decision, for us..My sweet friend of 25 years, Anne, flew out to be with me while still in the hospital and brought me a piece of my baby blanket that we had exchanged years ago. My 30 yr old baby blanket that was given to me by my Aunt Jody when I was born. Sounds silly, huh. Adults still holding on to such treasures. Yes, I still have mine. But Anne wanted to give it back to me, for Sydney to have it. We had the tiny yellow piece of my blanket placed with her when she was cremated and I feel like it was the only thing I gave her. But it made it easier, knowing that she was holding it, a piece of me, that went with her. I wish I could have shown her to everyone first. I wanted to show off our beautiful daughter, the child that was made out of love and wanted so desperately and yet turned out to be welcomed that day with such heartache. I want to remember her. I want everyone to remember her, not to forget about her like that cold day in November never happened. Like she never existed because she was pulled from my body without a heartbeat. She was fine hours before, she was living, she was ours and we would have welcomed her with flowers and balloons and loved ones in just two weeks from now. Oh, how my heart is breaking that I feel she didn't get the welcomed arrival that she deserved.

Please forgive me, sweet girl for not giving you what you deserved at the time. Please forgive us that we have not yet even been able to have a service to celebrate you, much less plan it because we are still in such pain and shock and aimlessly floating through our days without direction. Please know that we loved you, we love you, we wanted you so desperately in our lives, in our home and with us to watch you grow. Please, God, give us the strength to plan a beautiful service befitting our sweet angel so that we can feel like she is celebrated and her tiny life had purpose. I want her short life to have purpose, even if it wasn't here on earth but inside me. I want Sydney to have left footprints on people's hearts and have significance in their lives. I want to honor her. Please help us to do that. To remember her and celebrate her with joy and release us from this hurting and anger so that we can give her what she deserves. God, help me. Help me, bathe me in your peace. Let me know that you are near. Help us to focus and plan something beautiful for our baby girl.