Imagine...

Do you have more than one child? Can you imagine what life would be like without your second child? That's the best way I can compare my loss to your gain....That's like life without our sweet little friends Grayson and Liam S. or cousins Soren and Alexander. I can't imagine that world because that's the only one I know. I know those smiles and personalities and how they have changed their parent's lives, adding more joy and love to their families...think about the memories you have made with that second child, the photo albums filled to the brim with wide eyed grins and dirty faces...the countless sleepless nights spent rocking them back to sleep while sick, the birthday parties and first day of school.
Can I imagine a life without my brother, Chris, who came after me? Not only do I not want to think about what I and my family would have missed out on, I can't imagine how empty the world would be without his presence, his laugh, his grin and humor and huge heart...Can I imagine a world without Ian, another 2nd child, ever being in it? No way. My life would be totally different had he not been born. My heart would probably be held by another, whom could never compare, to my husband, to the love I have found in him. The world would be empty of his silliness and mystery and talent and kindness. Without Ian, there would be no Liam. Imagine that sad world. That kid lit the world on fire with his entry into our lives.
I know, because of Truth and God's word, that our Sydney's days were numbered and ordained as such from her conception. As small of a life that she had, her purpose was created for a small moment in time instead of a lifetime here with us. Does that make it any easier to wrestle with the what-if's, of what a pretend future with her in it might have looked like? Hell, no. It makes it harder, because I know I can't go there. Even when I start to go down that road, I am wandering, no better yet, stomping back to Truth like a mad little kid throwing a tantrum screaming at my Father, asking why I can't just get what I want, what everybody else has.
And I hear Him telling me that she was never mine to begin with. Neither is Liam, for that matter. Little ones to Him belong. I know. All I am saying is, that even knowing what I know is true, it is still hard to imagine that our Sydney didn't get a chance here on earth, we lost our chance at getting to know her. Sad, that Liam won't get to have the bond that Chris and I have. Sad, that her grandparents won't get to dote on, love and spoil that little girl. Sad that we, her family and friends, don't get to see what she would have contributed to this world as she grew into a young lady. A family tree, forever altered. Sad, that in our family tree, our Sydney branch will never grow more than just that. One branch. No more branches stemming from hers. Just one little branch, Sydney Grace.