I have been told by some friends, that they don't know how I am so strong through all of this, losing Sydney like we did. They tell me I am so strong....
There is a HUGE difference between strength and resilience to me.
Strength is a choice. Choosing to be strong and being proactive with your thoughts and actions. Strength is something that is practiced and honed and learned, like in a Gym with your body or a classroom with your mind. It is a way of life, a state of mind and thought. Strength is having the capacity to manifest energy, to endure, and to resist, to power over a resisting force, strain, wear, etc with vigor.
Resilience, however, is involuntary. Simply surviving the circumstance because you have no choice, but to keep breathing and exist. Overcoming the occurrence as if rebounding or springing back to it's original place. The only place a ball has to bounce after throwing it down, is back up. It doesn't decide to do it, it just does. A door on spring hinges opens but closes immediately because that is the only place for it to return.
I am resilient in the face of the loss of my daughter. I do not see myself as strong. I am without vigor or containing any capacity of energy. I am surviving through this because I have to, not because I want to or have decided to. I am just breathing and living moment to moment.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
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3 comments:
praying for you today. "He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength." (Isa.40:29)
the Lord WILL give you strength. He is strengthening you right now...eventhough you cannot feel it...
keep breathing, in and out, in and out...take it one moment at a time...do what you need to do for you...your in my prayers and thoughts....
Lyss, how can I help you get your focus back to the "what is?" The what is really needs you and your love and support and nurturing. The "what if's" are something to remember and cherish and then, to let go of. I know it is yet early, and I can't possibly understand except that I nearly lost my firstborn and myself as well, due to preclampsia, and I went through those times, and yet think about when I was put under anesthesia for my son's birth. What did I miss, why do I remember feeling as if I couldn't breathe when they started anesthesia, why was my baby in NICU? I still have questions after 32 years. To come to the terms of acceptance is a huge challenge and I think it takes what you have, a basic, perhaps mature faith in our Lord Jesus and the true comforter. Keep looking to Him for your answers, sweet Lyssa. I love you and am praying for you and your dear family. Donna
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