Rollercoaster...

So, I pulled it together this afternoon and was a bit drained after my mid-day breakdown (read post below) but managed to get myself motivated to make my husband his first homemade dinner from me since November 29th. I am not even kidding you. It has been since then, the night before our D-day, since I cooked for him. We were blessed with meals from church and lovely people sending gift cards for the first few weeks and then went home for the holidays and got fed nicely by our own families. But once back here, in the land of darkness and reality, I lost all motivation to take care of my family and serve them. Granted, I warmed up frozen meals for them, got take-out a whole lot and ordered pizza once, but that is feeding them, not cooking. Canned soup, frozen pot pies and chicken nuggets, all the gross processed stuff laced with enough sodium to kill you...that has been our nourishment.

Sorry, you can all quit gasping now. How could you, you ask? Apathy. I have had nothing to give, haven't cared in the slightest about taking care of our home, cleaning, laundry, much less preparing a fresh meal that takes getting out the good knives and cutting boards. So tonight, I pulled it together and finally got out of the slump. I am not one to brag about the feast I made or show you fancy pictures of our food, because most nights I would have to hide the box it came in...but tonight I was proud of myself for taking the time, the effort and mostly the heart to serve Ian in this way. I prepared Red Curry Chicken & Pineapple skewers, marinated, mind you, in a yummy sauce (homemade), curried assorted vegetables and almond/coconut rice. Normally, this would be a weekly thing for us to eat this way. That meal from me, right now...is a very big deal. Recipe books came out, the good knives were used and I made a master mess of my kitchen. Which is still a mess right now, actually. I didn't say I was all the way there yet. Cleaning is still a work in progress. I am a work in progress.

Ian was blessed and we enjoyed a nice meal. At the table. With napkins. And nice plates, not paper. Liam sat and ate most of his food, which is another blessing these days for a 3yr old. We talked and discussed our day. Laughed at Liam who was being a ham during the meal. Liam and Ian played with cars and dinosaurs for a bit afterwards and then decided to get out the keyboard, drum pad and guitar and play "band." They had a good time and we sang songs. It was a time of blessing, where the three of us were together, smiling, laughing...living free of hurt, if only momentarily.

Then came bedtime. I should have known that my joy would be fleeting. That is the pattern these days. I laid with Liam and we talked. We sang our songs and prayed. Then came the moment. Liam asked me to make the baby move his toy on my belly.-- -As Sydney grew and kicked more, Liam would get a kick out of putting a car on my belly and waiting, watching for her to kick it off. He got so tickled by this game and would have so much fun "playing" with his sister this way. I loved every minute of it. Went past way too many bedtimes just to have this time with them, my two kiddos. So tonight, as Liam put his car on my belly and waited, I almost lost it. (First of all, hopefully I don't still have a belly that big to fool him that way, but oh well..) I paused and reminded him once again, that Sydney was not in Mommy's tummy anymore. That she was in heaven with Jesus, not in my belly, she isn't there to kick anymore. She is in heaven now. He looked at me and lifted my shirt and stared. It was a long moment before he spoke again and then he said, "Oh." He then said he was upset and missed Baby Sydney and wanted Daddy. I went and got Ian. He was sweet and let me cry, touched my shoulder lovingly and went to Liam's room to lay down with him. Damn, this rollercoaster ride. Up and down. Up and then down again. Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow morning will be up again....God willing. God giving. God loving. God healing. God breathing. God is able. Am I?