Today is the last day. I am finally through with my Heparin shots. My milk has dried up and my scar is healing but this was the last of the "proof" of ever being pregnant and postpartum since we lost Sydney. My hormones still rage and I am on lots of meds still but no more shots. I found out when I was pregnant with Sydney that I have a blood disorder called Factor IV Leiden in which I would need to take blood thinner injections throughout my pregnancy and for 4-6 weeks following her delivery. These shots are injections that I have given myself in the stomach every day since finding out about this disorder over 6 months ago. At first, they were painful. But for my baby girl, I was willing to take the pain if it meant protecting her from an abruption with what had happened with Liam when he was born. I took the shots, winced at the pain but daily was reminded with each injection that I was doing what was best for my child.
After Sydney died, I have had to continue with the shots as if I had "delivered" her...It would have been managable had I been able to bring her home but with her gone, each morning has been a PAINFUL reminder, a hard reality of losing her all over again, that the child I was trying so hard to protect was not with me anymore. Injecting something into my body that was meant to save her but it did no good...we lost her anyway....and each morning since Nov. 30th I have had to face that PAIN over and over again. Even if you tried to start moving on, you can't ignore that shot every morning, staring at you on the counter...screaming at you, "You Failed..." In the past months, I had to ice down my stomach to be able to take the shot and not bruise as much...but after she died, I took almost each shot without any ice...almost welcoming the PAIN just to feel anything at all...also, simply because after my heart broke in losing her, my body could never equal that kind of pain that my heart felt.....
So, tomorrow I will wake up and start my first morning as "just me" again. In time, my bruises will fade on my body but my heart is another matter. This site will serve as a place to let my mind run free, vent and rage, ask questions, scream and cry, and even celebrate the beautiful life that was growing inside me...a daughter I will never get to know. Be patient with me, this will be a long road. I will be brutally honest in where I am at at the moment and I will say things you may not like, I might cuss and scoff or I might have a reflective moment in which I can learn and grow. I must make an effort to continue to grow and not let her death be the thing that defines me as bitter or lost. I want her to be proud of me and how I deal with what has been given to me. I want to let go without letting her go. I never wanted to let her go....I never wanted to say goodbye so early. I never wanted to ache like this. I never want to forget her. So, hopefully in my writing my thoughts, I won't. Hopefully, with my life, I won't. Hopefully I can take the broken pieces of my heart and my life right now and piece them back together again. For Ian and for Liam, I don't really have any other choice.
Monday, January 7, 2008
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6 comments:
Always..always. I am here for you, though far away. Right now now I sit crying bitterly and deeply for my friend who hurts so very much. I feel as if there isnt a single shred of anything I can do, but continue to love you..pray continually and hope that God can touch your heart and soul so you can feel some sort of peace. I will always be here to support you, cry with you and love you to pieces. Know in your heart that there is very likely someone who is tkinking about you and Ian and Liam just about all of the time. You occupy a huge place in my heart. Hang on tight my beautiful friend, even if it is just from one moment to the next right now. I am always thinking of you. Always, always. Carolyn
Lyss, your words are beautiful and such a testimony to Sydney Grace. As much as I would gladly take all of your pain and carry it by myself forever, you have to do it yourself. I am so grateful you have Ian to help you and so many friends who will do the same. There are absolutely hundreds of people praying for you - people you've never met - and at a time when you still have questions and can't form the words to offer as a prayer, just know that the prayers of others will carry you through this. You are stronger than you even realize and while the healing is a slow process, i KNOW in my heart that you will make it. Feel free to throw your vulnerability out there - God loves you AS YOU ARE - i am praying for SUPERNATURAL evidence of God's comfort for you. i love you so much. a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck, m^m
I will follow your journey as a friend and as a person who will pray with you, I have cried and thought of you so much in the last few weeks...Your christmas card was absolutely amazing....this road will be long and hard but you have prayers and love and time. Take what you need, say what you need to say...and know that YOU are MAKING her proud...you are....love you:) lisa ashcraft
I will follow your journey as a friend and as a person who will pray with you, I have cried and thought of you so much in the last few weeks...Your christmas card was absolutely amazing....this road will be long and hard but you have prayers and love and time. Take what you need, say what you need to say...and know that YOU are MAKING her proud...you are....love you:) lisa ashcraft
lyss,
I hope you'll never be less than honest about your feelings. When I have grief I process by writing about it and listening to music on the subject. You should process however works best for you.
Seeing you last week was both pleasant and painful, in that I always like to see you in our home, but it was painful in that I could not do anything to ease your suffering.
I love you.
your father-inlaw
lyss, so glad you started this. i love the way you "emote", its really a gift. and i think its going to be so good for you, me and everyone else who is aching to help you heal through this. love you, talk to ya tomorrow :)
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