Do you know who gives the best back rubs? The person who has been debilitated from a hurting back before, they know just the place to rub and find that spot that hurts so badly. Do you know who gives the best forehead rubs? The person who has also suffered countless sinus headaches or migraines like you and knows to rub hard as hell, because the gentle stuff won't cut it. Do you know who gives the best directions? Someone who has been there to that destination before and can tell you exactly where to go, even just by landmarks, where to turn by the gas station or the elementary school when mapquest will just tell you the mileage and streets.....Do you see where I am going with this? It is so hard for people to give sincere advice sometimes when they have just not walked in your shoes.
I would never say loving words don't count that come from the heart, I know most are well intended...and it does help to hear encouragement and get support, but when it comes down to it, sometimes words just aren't enough. "Mister Homeless man, I am sorry you are hungry, as I feed my garbage disposal more food than you." "Friend, I am so sorry about your divorce, as I sleep alongside my husband each night". "Sir I really feel for you as you have lost your job, as I sit comfortably in my corner office with my 401k". "Oh dear, I am so sorry you are battling infertility, as I complain about my 5 kids I am stuck at home with"."Cancer must be so hard 'mam, as I live with my clean bill of health and you lose your hair"." I am sorry Soldier, that you lost your legs in Iraq, as I ride my bike to work." "God had a reason for taking your baby-you just have to let it go and move on now, as I sit holding my dear infant in my arms before you."
Granted, reaching out is worth trying because you care and empathy and compassion do matter and do make a difference...but the aching and grieving that goes along with each of these situations, can only be truly "shared" with or felt by the one who has been there, the one whose gaping wounds resemble the outline of yours....I never asked to be a part of the "lost your baby" club but the other mother-members I have met so far, know exactly the rhythm of my pain and struggles of the day. They too, eerily replay the exact moment the dreaded news was handed down to them, over and over in their heads like a broken record, it plays."I am sorry, we cannot find a heartbeat, I'm sorry 'mam..."...they are the ones also up in the middle of the night with nightmares, they too know how to play the what-if game and how it is to wear the "I feel like a failure-what did i do wrong" badge somedays...
...they too are staring in the mirror at their newly slindered bodies each morning missing their swollen tummies, they are missing each painful kick in the ribs because it meant their child was still alive, growing inside them, full of life, they are the ones who are crying in the doctor's office at the tiny newborn across the room or breaking down at the sight of the happily expectant couple registering at Target. These women are the ones who, without saying it out loud, already have their hearts echoing the jealously, envy and anger inside my soul in seeing a pregnant woman at church or getting news of a new friend who is expecting. While we would never wish ill will to these other women and their babies, only this club of women that I am a part of now, truly understand these honest gut reactions to seeing life moving on before us as we stand still, frozen in our pain and circumstance.
There is something to be said of the unique bond that is formed in battle between soldiers. I get it now, more than ever. While I will never ever be ungrateful for encouraging words, a hug or a card-they mean the world to us right now, I promise...sometimes it is that connection you make with the other soldier fighting your same battle, that is the right prescription at the time that soothes your heart because you know they "get" you...they don't question your anger, your questioning and rollercoaster emotions and wrestling of faith, they don't look at your fists raised at God as selfishness, they know you are wrestling with the bigger picture now and remember what it was like wondering how you are going to start back at the beginning with your faith. They know that faith is not lost, it is just having to be reformed and resculpted to frame the broken heart that has replaced the whole one that was there before the loss. They just silently nod and are just as proud as you for just getting yourself out of bed today...
Monday, January 28, 2008
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3 comments:
I am sobbing. The pain lessens over time, but it just takes on different forms. I am not comparing my situation to yours; you know I know better than to do that. I just never understood my friends who would sit with their healthy babies and tell me it will all be ok. I wanted to SMACK them. I still do. I found myself wishing that something would happen to them to jolt them out of their stupid complacency. I was angry. I still am angry some days but I have realized that I have been given heartache and pain, and at the end of that heartache and pain is a gift that they will never know. I know how precious it all is and I will never again live my life with those ridiculous blinders on and say ridiculous things to hurting people.
One other thing - people want you to be BETTER, Lyss. It is hard for them to see you hurting. When they tell you, "God has a plan," either they are so naive to think that that will actually comfort you, or at the bottom of their soul they are actually wondering if He does. And they want you to stop hurting and they don't know what else to say. The hard thing, when you're grieving, is to differentiate between the people who want you to stop grieving because it makes THEM uncomfortable, and the people who want you to stop grieving because they hate to see you hurting. You let the people who don't want to be uncomfortable go, and you hold fast to the friendships where they care about you so much they just don't want to see you hurt. I think you know who those people are - a good place to start would be the girls you had dinner with. They sound great.
When we lost Camden and had all of the problems with Lucy, my best friend in the world said, "You can have another one." That wounded me so badly. I was SO angry with her. Not until she had her own child did she come back to me and apologize at her stupid comments. She told me she just didn't know what to say. She didn't know the enormity of the situation. When these people don't know how it FEELS to be you, they don't know how they can help you. Sometimes you will feel elated that you got to be Sydney's mom, even while you were pregnant. And some days you're just PISSED. You need friends who understand that. Which is exactly what you are saying - sometimes it just takes another mom who understands the rollercoaster and doesn't constantly beg/demand that you get off.
You are right Lyss, I have no idea what you are going through. It hurts me to see you hurting. I am sitting here reading my old posts hoping and praying I did not say anything to offend you. If I did please forgive me.
As always, you are in my prayers.
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