A storm is brewing....

You can tell that a storm is brewing in our home. The tension, the nerves, the sadness...This coming Wednesday, February Sixth, would have been Sydney's due date and as I type this, I had to go back and edit the "would have been" from "is"...still forgetting to use the past tense concerning her. Ian and I both are so tense and anxious and have had a pretty stress-filled week, silently cringing inside, knowing the date is getting closer and closer. We are both pretty stretched, emotionally and mentally. We are arguing and tired and restless. We have yet to put anything together for a service still and that drives me crazy. Just to prove how fresh this all still is to us, Ian yelled at me this week when I picked up something heavy and told me "to put it down and be careful"...he then, bless his heart, realized what he said and what it meant and then quickly looked at me, wanting so desperately to take it back - like he was scared as hell to look at my face for my reaction. I reassured him that it was actually a sweet moment instead of sad, because it reminded me of how much he still feels stuck in time like me and forgets that I am not pregnant anymore, frozen "in that moment"of our lives. It also made me realize how fresh the wound still is on his heart...sometimes I forget because he is a man and they aren't as transparent as us women. He keeps it all inside.

In additon to our emotional stress, we also have some significant issues we are dealing with...lots of doctor's appointments and co-pays this last week, but thankfully no kidney stones to report of, Praise God! We had to take our car back in the shop once again, not knowing how much, this time, fixing it will cost and we are now without a car while they figure it out. We have lost our health insurance, effective tomorrow and officially this week, there is no longer any income coming in until Ian finds more work. Please be patient and just put up with me and let me gripe and vent...as I sit right now, we have no baby due next week, no health insurance and lots of prescriptions that I am still on since my surgery, no car and no income. I feel, honestly, like we are at our breaking point. Mind you, I know we are healthy and have a roof over our heads, while many don't...but I am not sure how much longer we can sustain that. I am grateful for what we DO have; each other, our son, our health, our friends and family, our God...but if I ever personally felt like Job, it is now. I know there are many who have worse to deal with, this just happens to be the lot we have been dealt and what we are in the middle of right now and it's just our own craziness to deal with, not to compare to anyone else's. 

So with that said, I am asking for prayer. Please pray...if ever you needed to pray for us, it is now. We are at a brick wall. We have always trusted God to provide for us, but with all that is going on and everything we have lost so far and keep losing, next week seems almost unbearable..He seems so far and we both feel so lost, hopeless and in the dark...I know God knew of these needs long ago and I have to trust that He already put in place a plan for us, for us to have His provision if we simply trust and ask Him for His hand.

Pray for our hearts and minds to find comfort in Him. Pray for our anxiety and tension to be replaced with peace. Pray for provision concerning income and work for Ian. Pray that we would be approved for Medicaid coverage for our family, it will take at least 1-2 months to hear back...Pray for us to be patient with each other and with Liam. Pray for our car situation to be resolved, once and for all. Pray for our anger to replaced with trust so that we may go to Him for help. And please pray, in advance, for next Wednesday. For us to be prepared. I would ask for prayer ON that day as well. We will be attending our first grief support meeting the following day and we are hoping that meeting other parents, in this sad "club" we are now members of, will help us to heal and work through the rest of the week...the week we would have been bringing our baby girl home with us...to her brother, to her house, to her crib...to her home, with us.