Saturday, January 19, 2008
Doubt sets in...
After reading way too much from other women online who have gone through what we did and had the same symptoms and medical issues as me, I am starting to doubt everything. Our doctors, warning signs, myself, the medical care we received, the specialist we chose...all of it. Our doctors were so compassionate through this whole thing and so wonderful to us through the bad part...is it because they know they missed something and are trying to make up for it or cover it up? Or is it that they are just a blessing to us when it all went wrong? I know doubt doesn't come from the Lord, but it is what I am dealing with right now and I can't shake it. Got overcome with it last night and cried myself to sleep feeling like we didn't give Sydney a fighting chance. What did we miss? What should we have done? Too much stress in the last few months? Did that play a role? I woke up this morning and felt it even more intensely and worry that I missed something, that our doctors missed something...the things I complained about the weeks prior to her death, in all my appointments...were they blown off, were they nothing? I already went through this with Liam, why wasn't I watched more with her? Or was I taken care of to the best of their ability and it still was going to happen? I am so mad. I am so broken today. I feel like I have let our daughter down and worry that this feeling will not EVER go away....I miss her so much...all the time, but especially today...I want her home. In my arms. Not just in my heart....
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5 comments:
This is NOT your fault. NO NO NO. You can't think that -- this is absolutely not your fault. You DID NOT let your girl down.
Could anyone have been more concerned with her health than you? No. And because of that, you MUST KNOW you made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time.
Maybe your doctors let you all down, or maybe not. But there is no possible way that this is your fault.
remember, you saw the specialist 2 days before this happened. everything checked out fine - even the ultrasound showed NOTHING out of the ordinary. the doctors have looked and re-looked and can find nothing that indicated anything of concern. remember the specialist said abruption is his nemesis. i've talked to several women close to my age who have gone through the same thing - and with no answers. all with varying contributing factors and varying outcomes. i know this doesn't quiet your heart or give you the peace you so desperately need. i just pray for these things for you - i still hurt with you every minute of every day. i love you, mom
Hi Alyssa, I found your blog through your mom's. I think I've cried through every post I've read. The picture of Sydney's foot is precious. Just precious. Just wanted you to know that another family is praying on you and your family's behalf. And I look forward to visiting the blog often to know how to continue to pray.
Love, The Holleman's
I love you. Hugs. Doubt is normal and you will probably all wonder "what if". Allow yourself to think whatever you need, then allow yourself to be loved by those around you.
I played the google-what-could-we-have-done-differently game for months and months. I am telling you firsthand it will just bring you pain.
I read your mom's comment - I am glad you have her.
There is SO much that comes into having a healthy pregnancy and baby. About 5% of that is up to us, the rest is not in our control. You did all you could for Sydney. You have to let that guilt and pain go, otherwise it will eat you alive. Like I said, I have been where you are right now. I am wishing you peace.
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