5 steps back...

She came hauling down the slide and fell into the net. Where I was standing, watching and waiting. We came face to face and she smiled, time stood still just long enough for me to recognize her....her eyes as blue as mine, her hair, dancing in a ponytail, the perfect combination of mine and Ian's. Tall and lanky, just like Liam...She bounced forward into the net and ran off, just as fast as she had appeared. She could have been our Sydney, in 5 years. She was beautiful. My heart sank, my eyes puddled and then Liam came barreling down the slide next and met me with laughter and smiles. I swallowed the salty tears and caught my breath and moved forward....

...and then before I could compose myself, I hear..."Sydney, be careful...Sydney, watch out...Sydney, wait your turn...Good job, Sydney..." and I seethe inside as this woman calls out MY daughter's name, how dare her? Her Sydney runs into her arms and they embrace and her little one is off again, up the slide, in laughter and smiles....My Sydney is in an urn, I think to myself.

I look to the corner of the room, 3 women all sitting on the floor with their babies...talking, laughing...sharing milestones and sob stories...I can't even tell what they are saying because it all sounds like I am under water...I think to myself, I want a sob story, a different sob story than the one I have to tell....my eyes are filling again and this time I can't stop the flood....I see Liam climbing the ladder, he looks down at me for affirmation and I give him a thumbs up and fake smile and hope that he is fooled by my pretend happiness....

I pan the room, looking at all the moms...with their kids...both kids, many kids...babies everywhere...why the hell did I come here? Why did I think I could handle this?....this place is like Chuckee Cheese on crack...kids screaming, kids flying and jumping around...babies crying...all the babies...the little baby girl who is dressed in an outfit just like one I packed away for Sydney, she would have been precious in it, just like this one...

I keep seeing all these little girls with their moms, sliding, laughing....some crying because of a collision and needing mommy-comfort....I want to do that...I want mommy-comfort-daughter time, I scream inside...Why can't I have that? Why am I denied that moment and not them?

Liam keeps my attention and focus, just as a 3 year old wild little boy running amuck will do. He is having a blast. This inside gym place with jumpy, bouncy tents and slides full of air...he is having a ball....

I pretended to. I hope he bought it.

Whatever progress I made in the past two months, I took 5 steps back today. Ian came home from work this afternoon just in time, to avoid another awkward-grieving-wife-losing-it-moment...He nearly missed me, on my knees in the kitchen...covering my dirty floor with my tears and snot...Liam is asleep down the hall, I worry that I will wake him but I can't control it, I can't keep it down..yet, this kind of crying, I remember in the hospital and the first few days...no sound comes out anyway, your chest just shakes and you struggle to breathe, this crying produces no sound, I am not even sure how that happens but this weeping comes from so deep that just breath and air come with each choking gasp, but no sound.....

Why now? Why today, has it hit me in a new way?....I try to pray, try to force it...but what will prayer for comfort or peace produce...not my daughter..not for my situation to change..certainly won't turn back time or erase this void in our lives...why do I even try to talk to God...but I do, I try...I mutter something out, and it sounds trite...I realize, nothing, absolutely nothing, can remove this aching in my chest, the nightmare of the past two months...so, I just rock back and forth and cry and decide I am done trying. Done trying to spiritualize it all, to make sense of it, it won't ever make sense and it won't ever NOT hurt...time will cover the wound with dust and age, but it will still be there...prayer can't take that away...where is God now, I think...not on my floor holding me, not drying my eyes...I am alone.

I have grieved "baby Sydney" since the day we lost the sound of her heartbeat in rhythm with mine....I have wept over lost dreams and our future family of four that we were waiting for...but today? I just can't explain what happened today, what changed...All the craziness going on around me, kids and babies abound, life moving on and me standing still in this loud room....my mind eerily silent and still....like I had headphones on and was watching everything on mute....Maybe, I lost my little girl version of Sydney today...maybe today, I was grieving our "little girl Sydney" that would have been 5 years old and playing with her friends, fighting with her brother.....running to me to kiss her hurt knee, laughing with smiles and blue eyes...something about today was different. I felt a different part of me, die today...I feel like each time this death in me happens, I lose another part of myself...what will be left....in a year, of my heart?