nothing good happens after midnight...

i can't go to sleep. i can't wind down. why did i go to that site? i knew what to expect, i knew what i'd see. something we don't have. i can't sleep or feel tired at all now. why did i do that? my mind is racing. i can't seem to let this day end, like i am afraid to let it go...because i won't get it back...i want her back.....i did so well today, i think, at least the best i could...it was hard, i cried, i got through it...but now it is almost 1 am and i can't get my mind to shut off...i was fine an hour ago....i can't seem to find peace or calm or anything....i am angry, i am sad. i am all done trying to be strong today, to make her proud, to not upset Liam with my sobbing, to keep it together for Ian...at the end of the day, my arms are still empty and i am mad as hell, still. do you hear me, God, i am madder than hell. God, you have to help me to close my eyes and rest...thank you for another day to try at this again. because right now, i suck at it. this being strong idea....i was doing ok, until now. that's how this grief thing works, though. up and down, even in the same hour...it is so cruel...my husband and son sleep peacefully as i sit here in rage....the reality of the day being over is too much. the picture of someone else's homecoming has pushed me off the edge i teetered on today....maybe i am bipolar, maybe it was the blogsite i should not have gone to, maybe the idea that others get to have something i can't is just too much for me right now..is that coveting? is that natural?....did she get the balloons we sent her?...did you tell her i miss her?...maybe i am just drowning in my grief and every time i think i can tread water long enough, i sink back down, not enough breath to get back up right now...give me peace. give me peace. give me peace. give me peace. i am crying out to you, do you hear me?