...this was an anonymous comment made in my last post...
i have followed your blog for awhile, kind of creepy probably, but just have been praying for you as you've walked through this.. you still have a long ways to walk but the Lord is using each step of the way.. through your honesty, vulnerability, and transparency.. thank you for sharing your girl, your family and your heart ache. thank you for speaking what alot of people who've experienced grief have thought but not felt ok saying. thank you for your boldness.. know that it's the REAL you, that God is using.. know that where you are today, whether it be happy, sad, pissed off, apathetic, whatever, He is using.. He meets us where we're at, and it's refreshing to see someones honesty, instead of watching the usual "christian's mask"
can i just get an AMEN? seriously, thank you, thank you whoever you are, for recognizing the FREEDOM i have, that we ALL have if we are in Christ, to question...to rage and tear our "cloths and rags"...to weep and to wring our fists in the midst of our grief..to ask why...
thank you for seeing that my heart is simply in pieces and i long for healing, but not just to be wrapped in the "Christian" ace bandage some would expect me to wear and i refuse to wear just to please others...thank you for applauding my honesty as that. not selfishness or sin, but honest-gut-wrenching emotion that is REAL.
i have been struggling the past two months with the practical implementing of the Christian disaster "emergency fire plan" that we all think we will go to, almost involuntarily, when the fire breaks out...i am wrestling with the pressure to remain steadfast, be a witness for the kingdom, to be used greatly in my circumstance and keep up "the good fight" all the while trying to look around me, for where the hell my heart got misplaced on Nov. 30th,..kind of like when i get up in the middle of the night with Liam and fight blindly in the dark to locate my glasses just to see to get out of bed, but this searching of one's heart is a lot more complicated, of course....
some may have that strong reflex to Praise immediately and that is divine and inspired i am sure, some others that may be able to cover up their wounds might have the ability to even bounce back quickly with spirit filled energy, supernatural joy and thanksgiving in the midst of the ashes..only, you show me where they are in 6 months after pushing the pain so deep within themselves.... quite possibly, you are burned and tortured from your trauma and can't hide the scars so easily -it's pretty hard to ignore the dripping flesh that reveals what's underneath...that kind of pain is too intense. you collapse under the pressure of that much grief and pain. it is HUMAN. we are HUMAN, Job was HUMAN. God knows this all. he is fine waiting for us while we look for our "glasses"....he wants us to find them ourselves, we are not robots...how much sweeter the reunion when he knows you made the effort to be there...that you WANTED to show up, not just make an appearance or get a good mark for attendance.
when you are the one, crawling through the flames with that liquid flesh, the Christian disaster plan is just that, a plan. mere talk. a good idea-but once, in the throws of grief, you forget the Drills you memorized, the Place you were supposed to rendezvous to meet each Other, the Plans you made to keep cool and get to Safety. people, when you hold your dead daughter in your arms, dripping her body with your tears and rocking her back and forth as to "wake her" or jolt her back to life, please, pray tell, how well your holy-fire-fire drill works for you, in the moment. in the first moments and months. you tell me how much all the years of sunday school prepared you for that moment. you convince me how many hymns and vbs' camps and covered dish suppers come to mind to warm your heart. you tell me that your anger will step aside so easily while your heart dances with joy and grace in the emptiness. it ain't gonna happen. not right away, at least. only God knows the purpose in our grief, we aren't supposed to have that all figured out in 2 minutes after signing a death certificate or divorce papers. and that is NOT selfish, that is where the human flesh and mind meet and in that hell, even there...God is waiting with you and for you...and he doesn't expect you to come in for triage until you are ready...but the grace some miss out on is the knowing that he never leaves your side, no matter whether you feel him or not...the grace that those who are bound by legalism and piety miss out on, is that you don't have to try so hard, you don't have to pretend...you don't have to convice anyone, especially the One who made you....he already loves you regardless.
some may call this gut wrenching honesty and lack of reverence at times, as "sin", others say "selfishness"...."letting satan win or destroy you" by being so "depressed" and giving into the grief, letting it envelope you so, but let me tell you that there is a vast difference between depression and grief. depression is something i have dealt with my whole life, it has followed me, teased me and threatened to ruin my life and relationships for a long time and quite dangerously especially when i was 20 and hit my rock bottom. i know some call it the "blues", if you have ever been severely depressed, you know damn well that it is not the blues. it is hell. hell on earth. trapped in your mind, darkness everywhere you look....but with depression, most of it always comes back to self, to "you", issues that have plagued "you", trauma that has followed "you", consequences of choices "you" have made, too much focus on "you" filling the void in your heart with the wrong thing, insecurities, pride (lack of humility) and selfish desires and sometimes, yes-chemical imbalances in your body...they make medicine for that and it works...just ask me how i survived to see my 21st birthday and i will gladly show you the bottles in my medicine cabinet right now that are helping me these past 2 months as well. (those who don't believe in medicine can just skip over the last part you read, i will sleep just fine...)
but grief, my friend...that's a whole other ballgame. grief happens TO "you", to self. they don't make a pill for that. winning at and beating depression results in gaining back something you lost. gaining back your sense of self, gaining back your identity in your Creator, gaining back your footing and frame of mind...gaining back control of your mind....grief is loss, period. there is no gaining back what you lost...a death of beloved, a death of a relationship, a death of a dream.... i don't get to work through this to become stronger AND gain back my baby...i don't have control of any of it, other than how i choose to deal with it...i am stuck in this painful quicksand until i ask for help...and until i realize that i must move on....if i stay in the darkness for too long, i will lose sight of the light, if i choose to ignore him to light my way back on the path, i will be separating myself from Him and that is sinful...ask me about where i am in one year from now, but for now-the lights are flickering and very dim....there is light at the end of the tunnel of both depression and grief....they are both rocky and hard to navigate, i have walked both....but grief's road is not one my Map can take me down just itself or on autopilot...i have to want to see it's end...i have to get past the fog first to be able to see ahead....
one thing i have noticed and been surprised at is how many "believers" have been inspired or awestruck at my honesty in this process. how many others have said that i am being used in the midst of my anger and rage anyway, in spite of myself...saying things outloud that they can only imagine thinking inside...taking off my mask and screaming outloud that i am NOT ok with this season in my life..that i am NOT reconciled to this loss as a way of God using me in his kingdom just yet....i just want my girl back, i don't want to be a vessel right now....that i am NOT happy with my God and i am NOT sure of anything at times. you'd be surprised at how many christians really, truly feel this way in the midst of their personal hell..why am i so surprised to see this, yet relieved to hear i am not the only one....so, my question is this...why the hell are we not being honest ALL the time...being true to how our Creator designed our minds of free will to work and find our way back to him on our own, not propped up on our pretty holy-pedestals we have made for ourselves or feel pressured to teeter on....
i am glad i have a God who loves me when i am angry, when i am doubting him, when i am hurting and can't find him anywhere...i am proud to be honest with who i am and how this hole in my heart is affecting me and to know that God can use the REAL me, rather than the plastic one i could be to win others favor...i am relieved that God knows me well enough to let me "wait it out in my room until i am ready to come out" and is still there on the other side of this pain with open arms and understanding...people, i want to sing "How Great Thou Art" and mean it...i long to have my heart scream that to my God...and in time i will....i am getting there...this whole idea, this rant..it may not apply to you..and that's fine. God bless you for your strength....but if He is to be made perfect in my weakness, than i'll let him be the strong one. i am not ready yet.
here is another woman not afraid to be honest with her grief, but is still pressing on by being REAL..her courage and story will amaze you and is an inspiration to me right now.... http://laurenandjack.wordpress.com/
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
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6 comments:
In both eloquence and honesty, your words move me, Alyssa. But, neither the eloquence nor honesty surprise me. Both are in your genes. And, both are two of several reasons why I love your family.
To NOT wage your battle with grief and anger in your OWN way, in your OWN time...to not be true to your nature....seems to me to be a sure way to delay the inevitable. And, to wear a cloak that doesn't fit just to placate mere mortals in the name of THEIR comfort adds an additional burden and is ultimately a useless exercise because, after all, the One that sees through all masks, and loves us anyway, cannot be hidden from nor fooled.
Follow your path and trust your gut, sweet Alyssa. We're just spectators along the way who may get you lost with our directions.
I'm deeply sorry that this February 6th will not be the joyous date that you were anticipating. The four of you will be in my heart and on my mind today. I send my love.
alyssa. i am awestruck. you could not have said it better. i have to say, that as your best friend, i am so thrilled that you ARE being honest about all of this. because though you don't feel like a vessel, nor do you want to be one, God is using YOU to teach ME as you go through this journey. its amazing and i am ever so thankful for you. i know today is just not good and its hard. but i pray that you and ian are able to make it special for ya'll and for liam. we love you.
I would expect no less than for you to express your honest human feelings. Just know that most of us write things in an attempt to let you know we are just simply there for you. We hold no judgement in your anger, grief, lack of understanding and even wording that describes your feelings that "some" would find somewhat offensive. God indeed knows your heart..no worries there.
Know too that you that you will constantly be in my thoughts and prayers today..as any other day. I can only imagine the difficulty of this day. Love you.
thank you for sharing this...it's all so true! Not sure why so many hide behind the "christian mask" and aren't real...with themselves or with others. I'm guilty of it too, but learning that true freedom comes in being REAL!
I agree with every word you wrote.
You just be you and go with your gut on what you *should* do. Leave the "using for a greater purpose" up to God -- you don't have to act any certain way or do any certain thing in order for God to use you, I don't believe.
i was so surprised to see this post.. i am "the anonymous" and everything you said in this post is so true, and so real.
christian's have it all wrong.. we've twisted it, and made our "faith" into something wrapped in a little neat package. we are our own worst enemy at times, unspoken judgment of how you're handling your life, or using something as sacred as God's word to manipulate a situation. "Jesus wept" yet we can't? Let us remember how God responded when His son died on the cross, the moments after, what took place?
God is anything but a pretty little package, and He's not expecting that from us, yet we become so wrapped up in legalism, and image that we lose site of the fact that we are wired and created by Him, that He meets us where we're at, that He does not like hypocrites and those who pretend to be something they're not. He doesn't like judgment, He doesn't like pride.. He would rather you be completely honest, than hide from Him, He can handle your grief, anger and pain.
Why on earth would he expect us to mask it, when He himself didn't.
He knows where you've been, He can relate, How did He handle it? If he can grieve, I think it's safe to say we can too.
You WILL heal, time heals and we are able to look back and see things in a clearer light. It may not ever make sense and you will never "get over this", BUT you will get through this.. there isn't a time line to grief, christians need to stop setting up all of these crappy rules and regulations and unrealistic expectations.
It's only been 2 months.. It's ok for you to be right where you're at, and you may even feel like this at 4 months or 6.. take your time to walk through each phase, complete each part of the process, and mend. because in that process you will become whole again, but only through that process can you get there.
you can't make it go away, it's your reality. you can't change it, it's what happened.. you can't go back, you can't cling to regrets, or what ifs.. but you CAN cling to God, and not the safe little "christian" God,
but
the fierce God who created the oceans and mountains, the air we breathe the life we live, and at the same time is gentle and compassionate, and loves you immensely. He keeps the tears you cry in a jar, He sings over you as you sleep, He holds you, protects you, fights for you, and He will take you through each step, and will be there no matter what you feel about Him, or the situation. He won't get uncomfortable and leave, He won't say, ok that's enough.. He wants you to be whole, and will take you through the steps to get there. All you need to do is walk with Him. All you need do is surrender to Him, and pour your heart to Him.. even if it's saying God you are not my favorite right now, I am mad at you, I don't like where I am at, everything sucks, I am pissed, what the heck are you thinking,I don't want to live without my girl, whatever you feel He knows it whether it's being smothered by an ace bandage or screamed to Him from your car. He knows, and He can handle it..
Don't compare yourself to others, you're not other people.. Know that you're not alone though and that these feelings are felt whether people can admit it or not.
Rest in our faithful, merciful God and knows that He didn't do this to you, and that He cries WITH you.
This experience will not go void, but give yourself time..
you said yourself you know the difference between depression and grief.. reach out to others and let people love on you.. maybe even see a counselor? take care of you, and know that you're walking through a massive storm, and you have a choice. you can walk through it, crawl through it, grip through it, or run through it, OR you can lay down and let it wash you away.. You can't skip it, so those are your choices. I see you today, walking through it step by step, one day at a time..
i'll leave you with this.. i've experienced grief, and loss and the way these losses happened aren't pretty, they were very very close to me and today, 1.5 and 2.5 years later i still can't go there in my mind.. mercy me has this song called "bring the rain" and i will be honest, i typically love their music, but seriously, the song pisses me off. i am not at a place where i can say "bring the rain" because it's been a downpour and i don't want another one.. one line of the song says something like "it's just a little rain" and when i heard that i was ticked. it's not a "little rain" it's a freaking hurricane.. don't patronize me.. ha. i got so offended, it was like a personal assault on my grieving process.. to I praise God now for the things He orchestrated through those losses? Yes.. Did He faithfully pick me up daily. and get me through it? Yes.. Do I want another one so I can experience it again? Not right now..
i hope this comes across the right way and i don't appear to be lecturing, i am obviously over-caffeinated and went on a tangent. :)
you're in my prayers...
-em
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