"pulling" blessings....

I was thinking the other morning about trying to "pull" blessings from our pain..that's what you have to do when it hurts like this and the idea of trying to find anything good about your arms being empty and your child dying is like asking someone to smile and laugh through a root canal.....or make cheer banners for a bloody war. It doesn't make sense and is far from natural.

Even so, I was attempting this one morning over making coffee, how to find joy for Sydney while she WAS with us..memories, times together...to make her feel like she was always a part of our family, even before she went Home. Not just a memory but a member....of us.

So these are the things I came up with, it doesn't have to make sense to you...I desperately need to fill my mind with these bless-full moments to keep me going...so if it only makes sense to me, that works for me....these are some of the adventures I realized that Sydney got to take while with growing inside me, sharing my blood..while our hearts were beating together...

- Sydney got to fly home to Dallas with Mommy and Liam on an airplane and "meet and hear" all her grandparents voices and "see" their houses and "eat" their yummy homecooked meals.

- Sydney got to "attend" a concert in July with Mommy and Daddy and even got to go to two of Daddy's shows and "hear" Daddy play the drums.

- Sydney got to "take"a vacation to Red River, NM with Mommy, Daddy, Brother and Gram and Grandpa and "go fishing".

- Sydney got to experience lots of walking with Mommy during the Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta in October and hear Liam's delightful squeals in seeing all the balloons.

-. Sydney got to "go" trick or treating with her Brother this last Halloween! Her monkey costume Mommy bought for next year sits in the closet still.

- Sydney got to "go shopping" many times with Mommy to pick out special things for her arrival.

- Sydney got to "eat" Thai food, Chuy's (very important), Mexican, Italian, Indian and all the other yummy foods that Mommy likes to eat.

- Sydney got to have Thanksgiving with her Gram and Grandpa and Aunt Jenny and Uncle Chris and Cousin's Ellaiden and Soren in November, days before going Home.

- Sydney had her first and only "Amy" photoshoot at Thanksgiving while in Mommy's tummy...oh, how I wish my sweet Amy could have been taking pictures of our sweet Sydney right now too...

-Sydney got to "read" books with her Brother, "sing" songs with her Daddy and "sleep" (or not sleep was usually the case with her kicking all night) with Mommy and Daddy in the big bed.

- Sydney went to many doctors appointments and was very good at "taking" her medicine and shots with Mommy.

- Sydney got her very own Easter basket with her name on it in the middle of fall, just before she left us.

- Sydney got lots of hugs and sweet whispers from friends and family in all of her 8 months alive.

- Sydney got to "go" on walks with us around the block and "watch" her Brother play at the park.

- Sydney got to go "look" at Christmas lights at the Botanical Gardens.

- Sydney got to "go" to the Zoo with us last summer.

-Sydney got to "see" fireworks on the Fourth of July and jumped like crazy with delight to the sounds!

- Sydney got to "snuggle" with Emmett many times on Mommy's belly during naps.

- Sydney got to "see" a movie with Mommy and "go out" with Mommy's gals for Girls Nite Out many a times...

- Sydney got to "attend" bible study with Mommy and hear about Jesus.

- Sydney got to "hear" Daddy's dreams for her when he would talk to her about teaching her about cars and how much he loved her and couldn't wait to meet her.

- Sydney got to "experience" Mommy and Daddy's favorite season with us...FALL!

- Sydney got to "go" to the Pumpkin Patch with us and the Grebes!

- Sydney got to "go" to church with us and "hear" about Jesus and "hear" Mrs. Amy sing sweetly.

- Sydney got to "help" Mommy clean house, decorate for Fall and get her room ready.

- Sydney got to "go" to Target MANY TIMES with Mommy....

- Sydney got many of Mamaw's special blankets made just for her, sent to her with sweet girl outfits as well for her to wear

- Sydney got to "drink" her first sugar-free decaf hazelnut latte with Mommy.

-Sydney got to go "hiking" with us up to the top of the Sandia Mountains and have a picnic.

- Sydney got to "play" scrabble with Gram and "do" a puzzle with Grandpa.

- Sydney got to "eat" Mamaw and Granddaddy's yummy homemade vegetable soup that Mommy loves.

- Sydney got to "go" to a Charlie Hall concert in August.

- Sydney got to "dance" with her Daddy a lot in the kitchen with Mommy listening to Ottmar Liebert while they made dinner together.

- Sydney got to "have" many mountain-air, warm summer night cookouts with friends last summer.

- Sydney got to "watch" MythBusters with her Daddy and "have coffee" with him in the mornings.

- Sydney got to "snug" with her Daddy each night.

- Sydney got "experience" every single season of nature, right up to the beginning of winter when she went Home.

- Sydney got to "get" zerberts from her Brother at night and pray with him.

-Sydney got to be doted on as we planned her girly shower...she died a week before the shower that was scheduled for her.

- Sydney got to "have" a father's day with Ian last June.

- Sydney got to be created and conceived in me, carried by me and taken into Glory all the while inside my body, what a beautiful privilege to be that vessel for her. I am so lucky to have known her and treasured her each minute she was with me. And when I think that she met Jesus while still in my womb, it gives me goose bumps...the cycle of her life, it all happened inside me. I have to find the blessing in that.