bookends....

Do you remember what life was like before you graduated? Before you got married? Before you had kids? Before you got cancer? Before you lost your mom or dad or child or your spouse? Before you got divorced? Before you became a believer? Even, what life was like before that sad day September 11th, years back? That day changed us all, even as a whole, in a powerful way. All the little "big" happenings that changed who you were before...they become placemarkers on the maps of our inevitable journey..

There are events in our lives; huge, life changing, mind altering, soul breaking moments that happen to us, that forever change the timeline of our lives...we are never the same; the person there before is long gone and we must figure out who we are in light of what has happened to us and how we will adjust..

These moments add a new "mark or dash" in our story that changes the course and causes new perspective to form in the mind that wasn't there before....

These bookmarks serve as bookends of certain seasons of our lives, clearly marking past and present...you might ask yourself, "was that before that happened or after?"

I am struggling with this juggling of time in mind, the painful bookends that were abruptly shoved into our lives in November...everything in my life right now revolves around these bookends, it's the lens I use to view the world, it's how I file things in my mind...."Was that before Sydney died or after? "Was I pregnant then or not?"....I am not sure if people are aware that they walk around with these kind of painful bookends, most have several marking the pages of their life story so far....

We have been told that this pain we are wrestling with right now will NEVER go away, but as parents who have had to bury their child, you have to figure out how to LIVE with it instead...the person you were before your child died also died..friends and family have to understand that, give you space and time to figure out how to adapt to the new self, the one forever changed by the event...it is, in fact, a quarter life crisis, an identity crisis as to who this new person is, who this new self will be..like having to reboot your computer after years of work, only to lose it all and have to start over..a lot of people don't get that and just expect the same ole' person to still reside and "come around" in time, when they move on...

That is not how it happens...that ole' person is long gone...maybe only the bereaved truly get this idea as they experience it firsthand....the one who has had to sign cremation papers for their infant gets that, the spouse who buries their soul mate too early surely understands it...the one that mourns the death of a marriage painfully experiences the identity shift as well...it's all about starting over, but not in a new year's resolution-better-yourself kind of way.....no, this is more of a pushed-off-a-cliff-see-if-you-can-fly-now-sucker kind of way...it is full of fear and uncertainty...and you don't have time to figure it out because if you don't figure out how to fly you will hit the ground hard..... no "times" like on the playground when you are little, no time for a little breather..nope-life goes on whether you are ready to figure it out or not....

Ian tried to protect me from yet another newborn package that was dropped off yesterday but I saw the mailman bring it to the door and asked about it and Ian tried to "lie" but he couldn't. He didn't want me to have to open up another box full of items that we should be using this week for our baby..His motives and attempts were sweet but I still wanted to see it for some reason...I didn't want to be protected or pitied...It was a diaper bag full of items and formula from Enfamil, the bag I never ended up getting with Liam's birth but did get for my daughter's non-birth, how ironic...Remind me to send them a thank you later.

Then, in the mail later, we also received an expectant parents package of coupons and value savings for our new baby....I honestly feel like one of those standing punching bags....I make some progress, get back up on my feet only to be pummeled back down to the ground with each of these packages that grace our doorstep. Getting stronger and feeling better at times, only to be slammed by someone's selfish comments that make me cringe and drop jaw at their arrogance and lack of compassion...Painful reminders, even months later, that we are without, that we are 3 not 4, that she is not here at her house in her bed..she is no longer and neither are we, at least as we knew it. We have to figure out who we are now....oh, how we wish it were different.

Sometimes, when I talk about something so much, talk it to death (sorry for the pun)..it can eerily become a tale or a story in my mind, someone else's story in a way, not mine...a very sad movie script or story line with all the characters and events...and I can actually remove myself as the main character, from my own reality because I am so distracted with having to think so much about this sad story I keep talking about or hearing about, I can get lost in the details...but I can only do this so long before I remember that I am the story.

I hurt. I hurt all the time. I have some days where I push the hurt away and go numb and then feel guilty because I went through a whole day distracted, avoiding the truth, trying to forget about her almost at times...maybe if I just pretend to be who I was before she came into our lives, that will be easier...very unhealthy, but a survivor's tool at times, a coping mechanism at best...but how could I ever pretend to be anything other than me, her Mommy; who carried her inside me and felt every little kick and BIG kick and grew to love her before I even laid eyes on her..I can't pretend that away. And I don't want to. I always want to be her Mommy, live in a world where I once had a daughter....

I guess for now, I just try to create new bookends and wait for life to take it's course, and file myself in there somewhere...in between "lost my baby girl" and "starting over"......