Thoughts....

I was rearranging Liam's room today for the 50th time (if you know me, you know that's like therapy for me and I rearrange this house every other month, did it even to my own room when I was younger-signs of OCD, maybe?- i like to think of it as creatively inspired work) and decided to organize his little kitchen area for him. I must have spent some time on it because when I was done it looked better than mine. Everything had it's own place. I knew darn well that with Liam, any boy really, that my lovely creation wouldn't stay that way for long. And I thought to myself, I can't wait to do this with Sydney, our little girl, she will appreciate all the little cups hung on hooks and the food and pots in order just so...and then as quickly as it came to my mind, I was smacked in the head with my reality. How can I forget so easily, even now? That there isn't going to be a little girl to play kitchen with, to play dolls with or play dress up...all the things my mom did with me, that I wanted to share with my little girl...my heart sunk once again like it does in these painful moments and it burned with hurt and anger and then landed on sadness, once again. Then, while cleaning out, I found some books and blankets that Liam had used when he was a baby, that I had put back for Sydney...and I stared at them...the blanket that would never hold or wrap her gentle head, the silly books I would never get to read to her......and I sat there, alone in Liam's room for a long time..staring out his window, wondering how come this is how it has to be, how I am supposed to move on...to let go, to let her go like this...all my dreams for her, all my dreams of having her, even back to when I was little and always dreamed of having a daughter of my own....my Liam is precious to me, he is priceless....but I have lost my little girl I always wanted to have, and with her my dreams of my little girl are what I have lost now too....I miss you, sweet girl.