enlightenment?

the book i ordered arrived in the mail today, the one of a mother's journey of healing after losing her daughter who was stillborn. i couldn't wait to start it but errands had to be run, dinner had to be made and liam had to be put to bed....he was his usual stubborn self tonight, fighting bedtime, trying every trick in the book to avoid going to sleep...i was pretty distracted because i wanted to start my book and ian was tired and worn from the day as well...we both did our bedtime routine with liam and knew he was not going to settle down easily...i gave him some milk and left him be and prayed for the best....i got my book, lit a candle and got a pen and paper and sat down on the couch with a blanket...i wanted to soak up anything and everything this woman had to say....no sooner than i had started to read the forward, which in it's own was very moving, liam is screaming for me....ian is curled up in his chair and escaping into tv land and i am trying to read and we are both trying to ignore his yells and pleas....surely, he will just fall asleep soon....

liam is yelling, ian's crime/cop show is getting loud and annoying and i try to ignore the pothead in jail yelling on the tv....again, back to the moving forward and starting into the meat of the book...ian starts talking to me, asking me questions....joking with me, being sweet, then teasing me as he sees i am trying to read and knows how i hate being interrupted because i lose train of thought so easily...liam is still screaming and ian is still teasing me and the words i am reading are anchoring to my soul instantly and painfully and i fall in this trance, the way you do with a good book, but this time it is because i feel as if this woman knows me, knows my story...i am intrigued and hooked...i keep reading, liam keeps screaming and ian keeps teasing...i look at ian and say something "quick to anger" and tell him bluntly, that i am trying to read my book about a dead baby and i don't want to be bothered, that i am clearly not in the mood to joke...liam is still screaming and i feel as if i might implode....

ian, hopefully forgiving and patiently understanding my current state of mind, gives up and gives me peace and quiet but liam is yelling again. ian gets up to check on liam and goes back to the bedroom to watch tv. finally, silence. i feel bad for being so short but i was so engrossed in the words of this book and the emotions it was digging up, i should go say i am sorry...short lived silence. liam is screaming at us again and we both ignore it and hope again that he will fall asleep. i mean, doesn't he know that he is interrupting my reading time, my quiet time on the couch in the stillness and silence....i read on and recognize myself in every word, every detail....my heart starts pounding, as if i am reliving her death all over again...but this time it is different because i am two months out from the acute pain and have a different perspective on life right now...i am in limbo now, as to before i was just numb, not able to think at all....i take in every sentence, i am highlighting page after page and relating to every scenario and emotion this woman is describing....

i am missing our sydney all over again...somehow, this woman's story makes mine more real...it validates me, maybe? i am trying to take what i can and dismiss what i don't agree on and figure out what i do believe about eternity, the afterlife, heaven, etc....all this heavy lifting of my mind in synch with my heart and i am devouring this book. i am wetting the pages with tears and gripping it pretty tightly....this woman is years out from her nightmare, i am still so brand new at all of this...how can i compare?...i can't and i don't, but somehow i still relate.

half an hour later, i am enlightened and touched, moved and troubled, confused and freed at the same time because i feel it is my own voice at times i am reading in her writing...somehow, sydney is coming alive to me in her story as well...i am sitting on the couch in tears, turning page after page and i hear liam again....ian is clearly frustrated and is still in mode of letting him cry it out, i want to, i normally would....but suddenly i am calm, i have been transported somehow to a place of peace and understanding and feel close to sydney, even if it means trying to figure out how to love her now that she is gone. i feel close to her...to liam and to ian...i feel protective almost and blessed and loved all at the same time while still in tears mourning my little girl page after page.

i walk into liam's room and he wants "his blanket to be covering him"....i look at his sweet face, fighting sleep and i cover him up and crawl into bed with him...i sing to him and snug up next to his little body...i hold him tight and look at his eyes as he is drifting in and out....i can get so immersed in the mourning of my dead child and overlook the most simple things and needs in my living child...it broke me...i don't know how to balance them both but i know for his sake i have to figure it out, and soon. i am blessed beyond measure to have him to hold and to be able to hear him laugh..and yes, even scream. coming right from my reading, i should know better that nature and life is unpredictable and life is short and i am lucky to even have just my son, if nothing else, ever. i watch him as he finally drifts off, i pray over him in silent tears and pray that i can be a better mommy to him...that i will hold tight to him while also trying to hold on to sydney as well...i pray that i am aware every minute of how blessed we are to have him and pray that i can appreciate that more, even in the tantrums and craziness of this week so far...

i lay my palm upon his sleeping chest and let my hand rise with each breath...i want to feel my living child in every sense of the word...i want to know that he is here, with us, right now, in the moment and i want to live "with" him and be aware of how unique and miraculous each rise of his body is with each breath, how important that is to me, to feel that rhythm that i didn't ever get to feel with sydney, but to have it here in my home, laying, even if screaming, down the hall....i wept as quiet as i could and laid there until i knew he was fast asleep. all he wanted was to feel safe, he just needed some love and his blanket and why did we think that a book and a tv show were more important than that....i should know better than anyone, after losing my child, how special each moment of life is, how grateful for each breath and heartbeat should be....

i kissed his head and shut his door and went to tell ian that i was sorry for being so short...that i shouldn't have talked to him that way...that my emotions and the moment were bigger than me and i somehow got lost in it all...we both have gotten pretty good at the forgiving of moods and emotions in the last two months, as we both are new at navigating through this hell we both are lost in....i went to his side of the bed but found him asleep...my sniffling woke him up and i told him i was sorry and he nodded and fell back asleep...i felt better for at least not letting the "sun go down with my anger" so to speak, even if it was 9:30pm but we will talk over coffee in the morning and i will tell him again....i kissed his head and turned off the light and returned to the couch, with my blanket and candle and book.

silence, finally. but this time i felt more at peace...and i read and read. and i highlighted and wept and read the entire book in one sitting. my voice. i felt like my voice, my heart and my dragging soul had come alive somehow on the pages of this book...it is heartbreaking that for me to feel comfort, this woman had to feel pain...for me to feel closer to life again, she had to experience death to be able to write the encouraging words to begin with....

my heart is still heavy...i am still confused and have so many questions...but i was blessed with a moment of thanksgiving for my two boys down the hall...and i want to believe, in every fiber of my being, that our sweet sydney angel made that happen tonight.