one of those days.

i am having one of those days. haven't felt well. haven't felt right. achy and cold and so tired. unmotivated and lethargic. awoke to liam screaming for ian and kicking the wall in his bed. tried to clean a bit and listen to music but stayed in cozies until 3pm in which i finally dressed us both and went outside so liam could play in the sunshine and ride his bike in the cul-de-sac. only, when i finally try to get it together enough just to walk to the mailbox around the corner with liam i want to run back inside. the day feels too overwhelming to be "exposed". but for liam's sake, we stay outside because he wants to play with the kids across the street that are out riding bikes. only, when we come outside it is as if the light has come on and the cockroaches scatter. this seems to happen around us in our cul-de-sac ever since our d-day. no one has said anything to us. no one wants to talk to us or approach us. they ignore us and act as if we are invisible. they all know us. they knew we were expecting. they knew it was a girl. they watched me grow and grow and grow. they obviously see my swollen tummy is no more and there is no baby in our arms or our car or with us on walks. let's say, they just think we already had her. why aren't they asking about her or wanting to see her? surely they know something went terribly wrong. my mom even talked to one set of neighbors and told them what happened. but still, are people that uncomfortable with confrontation or are they that selfish and cruel? i even heard a little girl, say this afternoon "look, there is alyssa and liam.." and her grandmother ignored me anyway. the other kids and their mom retreated into their house and liam was left sitting on his bike alone in the middle of the cul-de-sac. please tell me you feel my pain as i sat there on the curb in tears watching my son sit alone and kick the dirt. no sister or sibling to play with. and now, no one in the neighborhood wants to talk to the "lepers"....i heard someone at our grief meeting use that term about ourselves like that at times but never have i felt that so much as today...i hurt more for liam than i did myself. me-i wanted to scream and cuss and yell them all into uncomfortable confrontation. but i sat there and watched liam ride around by himself and felt my heart get harder and more bitter again. i felt it retreating again, not wanting to share it with anyone at all. still, it feels like i am living hour to hour, still-even 3 months later. finally we went to the backyard where liam at least had some toys to play with and we sat on the swing together and ate 4-5 clementines. (if anyone wants to sign us up to a clementine bag a month club like the jellies of the month club, liam would gladly eat the whole bag. we go through 3 bags in one month i think.) i finally talked to a good friend on the east coast who cheered me up and liam and i ate dinner and gave emmett his medicine. i just hate days like this when you feel defeated before you even stepped foot out of bed. luckily, liam's laughter is carrying me through the evening and i can't wait to go to sleep and try it again tomorrow. at least, i get to try it again another day.